SOBER VINYLS
ROYAL NAVAL INTELLIGENCE SPECIAL
VALENTINE’S SPECIAL
‘For Those in Peril on the Sea’
Presented by REAR ADMIRAL LOGJAMMER (RN retired)
Assisted by ABLE SEAMAN PERKINS
Supervised by FLEET CHIEF PETTY OFFICER TROUSERPRESS
Good evening everybody. Stand at ease.
Before we get started, some useful naval intelligence. Don’t titter, Perkins.
Perhaps I should explain that Perkins has a habit of tittering if he hears the words naval and intelligence juxtaposed in the same sentence because he thinks it is an oxymoron. Well myself and Fleet Chief Trouserpress have, on numerous occasions, explained to him that he is the only moron around here.
Now look lively and see here.
I may well, during the course of the evening, use the word attention as in ‘it has come to our attention’ and I realise that those of you with naval training may mistake this for an order to come to attention from the ‘at ease’ position wherein you have been ordered to be for some time now. To belay that confusion, I have instructed Perkins and Fleet Chief Trouserpress, or TeePee as his two friends call him, to remove their webbing, gaiters and belts and wave them vigorously in a horizontal whirling fashion above their heads if I use the word attention in a way that does not, in fact, require you to come to attention. Due to their close proximity Fleet Chief Trouserpress and Able Seaman Perkins have been ordered to take great care during this manoeuvre in order that they do not inflict injury on each other’s eyes.
Other words to be aware of include ‘Aye Aye’, ‘Belay that’, ‘Shackle’ and ‘Cheese the Coil’. On no account attempt to ‘cheese the coil’ unless you have had explicit orders and training from myself or the Fleet Chief prior to undertaking the manoeuvre. Failure to follow orders precisely will, I fear, end in embarrassment to yourselves and much work for Able Seaman Perkins.
Incidentally, neither I nor Fleet Chief Trouserpress find the name Trouserpress remotely funny. It was as a result of a tragic accident that the Fleet Chief had to change his name from ‘Corby’ to ‘Trouserpress’ as a result of the almost infinitesimally improbable coincidence that there were, in fact, two Fleet Chief Corbys on HMS Trumpeter during its 1974 tour of duty in the East Indies. Any vinyl playing rating caught making jokes at the expense of the Fleet Chief will be summarily court martialled at the Captain’s Table. That includes any pun along the lines of ‘I trousered it’ or ‘pressed for time’.
Now see here: those of you used to getting drunk on these occasions or ‘shitfaced’ (as I believe it’s called in certain civilian circles) are in for a something of a surprise tonight.
“PERKINS! STAND STEADY BOY!”
Ah. Excuse me for a minute while I administer some British Royal Naval discipline upon Able Seaman Perkins who seems unable to stand proud without sniggering for longer than five minutes this evening. It is a shame that he seems intent to bring non British ignominy upon this otherwise splendid evening of discipline and stiff upper lips. Stop blubbing, Perkins.
WHAT DISCIPLINE SHALL ABLE SEAMAN PERKINS RECEIVE?
A SOBER VINYLS TEXT-IN SPECIAL
VOTE NOW: FLEET CHIEF TROUSERPRESS STANDS READY!
Now that the unpleasant business of punishment is well under way – excellent choice by the way – I should explain how myself and the Fleet Chief happen to find ourselves here as opposed to your usual hosts.
I have to inform you that there were complaints that were not in keeping with Royal Naval discipline and the naval way of getting the job done.
The subject of tourettes syndrome, referenced in last months Gary Numan special turned out to be inappropriate for a late night vinyl appreciation society. Guests were not inclined to be associated with this material and did not appear. Hans and Florian, themselves possessed of a fine Germanic sense of humour, were absent without leave. I myself seriously considered launching a new society with Big Pat McBiddle called ‘The Serious Vinyl Appreciation Society with little or no Drunken or Sexual References’ – SVASDSR for short – but it was a pathetic name.
Furthermore it was brought to the Royal Navy’s attention that the depiction of Gary Numan as somebody born with metallic pincers was factually inaccurate. His mother had never eaten the Hammersmith Flyover which is, in any case, largely constructed from concrete and not metal. Nor was it lost upon an innocent motoring public of vinyl appreciators that there was a deliberate attempt to link the traffic misery in West London , due to the flyover’s closure, to Mrs Numan, a fine and upstanding woman.
For all this, we in the Royal Navy, can only apologise and assure the public that the miscreants are clapped in irons and safely under lock and key in her majesty’s brig.
A SEVERE NOTICE
Now – see here. It has come to our attention that some of you doubt that the Royal Navy can in fact be ‘groovy’ and ‘with it’ enough to promulgate a vinyl evening designed to entertain the young tars and titillate the splits and engender a frolicsome evening of love making.
Most of you are under the mistaken impression that we spend our free evenings – or make and mends – shaking our booty to the likes of ‘Captain Pugwash’, ‘The Hornpipe’ and ‘All the Nice Girls Love a Sailor’ whilst mincing around the flightdeck having a fashion show and calling out ‘Hello, sailor’.
Absolute rubbish.
It is certainly true that your usual hosts have confiscated the Technics Turntables and locked away all vinyls known to man from A – Z, but Perkins and Trouserpress have foraged the for’ard hold and come across HMS Trumpeter’s sea related singles collection and an old Binatone portable Dansette. Perfect for a romantic evening tinged with the salty air of the sea dog.
And there is absolutely no need to be worried about dropping your soap in the shower. I have personally dropped my soap in the shower on several occasions and have been pleasantly surprised by the results. I’ve always been able to get it.
It’s all systems go here on the bridge. A yo ho ho. But not a bottle of rum under any circumstances. You know where that leads.
So – why don’t you get yourself ready whilst we review Daily Orders?
ROYAL NAVAL INTELLIGENCE
DAILY ORDERS
For All: Naval Ratings, Non Commissioned Officers and Officers
- It has come to our attention that part of the
- A Scottish football team called Glasgow Rangers has been put into administration for having no money. Her Majesty has decreed that it is now the solemn duty of any Royal Naval Rating or Officer to point out to any Scotsman that this will be the fate of all Scottish football teams in your crappy football crappy league where every team plays the other ten times to fill out a year’s fixtures should Scotland achieve independence and that we know where the missing 24 million ‘punds’ are.
- As a consequence of the two interrelated incidents above Her Majesty has decreed that it is now the solemn duty of any Royal Naval Rating or Officer to make sail and set a course with haste to the aforementioned
SOBER VINYLS
ROYAL NAVAL INTELLIGENCE SPECIAL
VALENTINE’S SPECIAL
‘For Those in Peril on the Sea’
THE PRECISE COMMANDMENTS OF SOBER VINYLS
Promulgated by Daily Orders
On behalf of Her Majesty’s Royal Naval Intelligence Service
As Issued by Fleet Chief Trouserpress (RN retired)
Notice – these commandments are for Turntables in Prone Position and already in Revolution Mode. For switching on turntables, see Naval Military Manoeuvres and Orders Pages 631 - 632 (1998 Edition)
- At the command ‘Vinyl Ho!’ come smartly to attention and effect proper naval salute, right hand brought up precisely to height of right eyebrow and palm at 45 degrees over right eye.
- On the order ‘Out Vinyl!’ grasp sleeved vinyl firmly in left hand using forefinger and thumb and raise to the horizontal position in front of chest.
- On the order ‘Vinyl… Vinyl Remove!’ lower right hand to vinyl sleeve from salute position and tease edge of disc from sleeve. Once grasped, tug disc smartly at the horizontal and hold same in right hand whilst simultaneously effecting a smart left turn and depositing sleeve precisely into naval vinyl deposit box.
- On the order ‘Inspect the Side!’ raise disc promptly to six inches from left eye and check the side is correct, if not, execute a 180 degree flip by twisting right wrist sharply and with precision.
- At the command ‘Disc… Disc on Turntable, Ho!’ Swiftly and accurately strike disc onto the turntable ensuring spindle nubbin is inserted into the disc hole in a smooth manoeuvre: – important note: any naval rating failing to insert spindle into hole at first attempt will be taken to Captain’s Table and punished with Captain’s Log.
- On the order ‘Play the Disc!’ Move right hand smartly to stylus, grasp stylus firmly and precisely between right thumb and forefinger and move steadily across to revolving disc. Place stylus steadily on run-in groove and release right thumb and forefinger.
- Upon hearing the command ‘Stand at Ease!’ move promptly to ‘at ease’ position and listen. Important Note: You may not nod head, move feet or thrust pelvis in time to music at any point during the playback. Any rating doing so will be severely punished with the aforementioned log.
Notice - Under no circumstances may any alcoholic beverage may be consumed during these military proceedings. Failure to comply with this order will result in immediate dismissal from Her Majesty’s Forces. Although in the interests of verisimilitude we have allowed Fleet Chief Trouserpress a man’s ration of Grog as he passes each vinyl to Perkins and then comments upon them in his bluff inimitable sea dog style..
Second Notice – we in Her Majesty’s Royal Navy fully endorse the use of mobile phones, texting and Blackberrys and any other modern communication device. We approve of the efficiency of downloading music to laptops – convenient, useful and labour saving. We are also partial to Greatest Military Marches by Hip Hop Artist Named Reveal.
(In fact we only agreed to play vinyls at all because Fleet Chief Trouserpress is notoriously and foolishly kind hearted.)
Well, we have a smattering of love struck pensioners and hip hop artists assembled so:
A YO HO HO and OFF WE GO
SOBER VINYLS
ROYAL NAVAL INTELLIGENCE SPECIAL
VALENTINE’S SPECIAL
‘For Those in Peril on the Sea’
As Reviewed by Fleet Chief Trouserpress
Village People: In The Navy
Har- har me hearties – sober as a judge I be! This be a fine tune. In the navy ye can sail the seven seas, join your brother man, drop your soap and find it slippery as an eel. Oceanography rhymes with meeting other’s needs. Ha har. This be a good disco beat. A fine tune to start them old hands a-dancing, them beads be a rattling like they was in Davy Jones’ locker. Baint no need to be afraid of water, shipmate. Har-har. They want me as a new recruit? Blister me barnacles.
Beach Boys: Sloop John B
Har-har! I’ve had a tot of grog from the Admiral. Pass me that disc, Perkins, me lovely lad. This be a fine tune. Drinking all night – not in Her Majesty’s navy by no means. See how the mainsail do set, Har Har! This young tar seems a miserable young fellow. I baint understanding who Sherrif John Stone be. He be not on the sloop? I think this young tar be sick for his mammy’s teats.
Mary Hopkins: Those Were the Days
Har-har! Another tot! Thankee, Admiral! Still sober as a judge I be – be there any rum in this grog? Now, what be this tune, me hearties? It sounds like them pesky Russians. Once upon a time there be a tavern? Those were the days my friend? Har har. I could spin a yarn or two I could. I met the sea monster herself during the Falklands war. No me hearties, not the kraken. Mrs Thatcher, she be. Now they tell me they made a film of her life as a mental patient. Har-har! She was mental when I met her, no doubt about that, me hearties. I ain’t understanding this song, it baint be much fun at all – all them old hands are jigging around to it like dervishes.
Mary Hopkins: Knock Knock Who’s There?
Har-har! Tot me, Admiral! What be this crap? Where be we find this too, me hearties? Knock knock, who’s there? Window pane? She must mean portholes. There’s many a hole in a storm, me hearties, hah-har! Where’s the fish fingers? I baint enjoying this one much. They should enter it for the Eurovision song contes for sailors. The door is always open wide you say? Ha-har!
Engelbert Humperdinck: Release Me
Har-har-har-har – why this rum is having no effect at all. I remember Master at Arms Muttocks on HMS Turdshire putting us all in the clink one night for singing ‘Rum Bum and Baccy’ down the mess deck. Me hearties, he didn’t release us until he had his share. This man be no gentleman, her lips be warm and yours are cold, baint no way to talk to a lady. Them old tars are all sitting on their electric tricycles and bumping into each other now.
Burt Bacharach: Trains And Boats And Planes
A har har har! – now me hearties I likes this song – or one bit of it. Not trains, not planes, but boats. I likes boats, I always will. Them trains took you away, them planes took you away but them boats are staying put. This be a corking tune – I wants to play this tune again. And again, you trains and boats and planes.
Blancmange: Waves
Why thankee Admiral, another tot of rum! This be a fine evening. I likes the look of you, young Perkins. This be a strange tune. It be played by robots. These be the instruments of the Cybermen – why, baint natural. What are these waves? They be coming over me. Why, that’s rude, that is. I baint holding with this coming over me treachery, Admiral – more rum be needed. This be a sad tune. And in any case, waves is what you sail your boat on, young tar.
Enya: Orinoco Flow
Now this be more like it, sail away, sail away, sail away. This be played by a string section – ethereal – ‘ere do I knows words like that? I must do. This be spooky, like being becalmed in the Sargasso Sea for endless eternity. Arrrrrrr.
Bobby Darin: Mack the Knife
Now – this be starting with sharks, teeth, pearly white – this be a record for all us tars – tug boat, scarlet billows. Ha-harrrr! This be an incitement to a riot, me hearties, better be on our watch – you take port and I’ll take starboard. He spends just like a sailor – what be you trying to say?
Emile Ford and The Checkmates: Slow Boat ToChina
Emile Ford and The Checkmates: Slow Boat To
Arr – I almost forget ye, Admiral – how many rations be that? I’d like to get you on a slow boat to China , no not you, Admiral, Perkins, boy, have ye ever been to China
Ahem: Able Seaman Perkins, Stand STEADY! Take over from Trouserpress, Vinyls, Vinyls HO!
The Kinks:
Ah – good evening, Perkins here, Able Seaman Perkins, B.A Honours. Thank you for my punishment earlier – I can’t say I enjoyed ‘Captain’s Log’ but I won’t hold it against you. Now, where are we? Right – erm – The Kinks. Seminal sixties band, Ray Davies. They say he lives near Bodmin; if you go there, you must never march up and down his street with the Band of the Royal Marines singing ‘Be My Friend’ because he has none. Anyhow I imagine this was in the ship’s forward locker because it references a dirty old river and some of colleagues would have misheard that as ‘dirty old stripper’, some of them do that, you know.
Wings: Band on The Run
Wings: Band on The Run
Famously referred to as ‘the band The Beatles could have been’ by no less a luminary than Alan Partridge, fictional broadcaster and love God – included in this Valentine’s selection, no doubt, due to the lyrics ‘Sailor Sam is searching everywhere’ Easy to please, do you see? And you made me clean the Captain’s heads for your vicarious pleasure. I hope you feel truly ashamed. Still I won’t hold it against you. You may also notice I get no rum at all. I have a degree. I only joined the Royal Navy because they won’t accept anybody who doesn’t have a degree. Bastards. Interesting tune, this – three distinct sections. Clever clever clever, that Paul McCartney.
Prefab Sprout: Looking For Atlantis
As a youngstar – I barely get this at all. Still the pensioners are driving around confusedly and it’s a decent tune. Paddy McAloon – underrated singer songwriter – could turn out a decent tune like this one here. Looking for Atlantis – I get it – another reference to water. Weep, children of Britain
New Musik: This World of Water
New Musik: This World of Water
Well the last one was terrific, what odds two in a row – oh, the forward store, what treasures will you yield up? Would you believe it? Tune! Lyrics are a bit Michael Moorcock – with the emphasis on cock – but the tune is rather jolly. The chorus dips into a minor key quite nicely and the tempo is up, up, up – ignore the lyrics, this is, if my young ears don’t deceive me, a proto new romantic classic. Still not suitable for a Valentine’s disco. To be fair. Just as well the admiral has failed to notice it isn’t actually Valentine’s the fool. Ha ha ha.
Terry Jacks: Seasons in The Sun
Very good. Seasons in the sun. Ha ha, Admiral – it has the word sea in it, doesn’t it? An hour with you and suicide becomes painless. Good bye to you my trusted friend…this is a maudlin tune. If I was allowed some grog, I’m sure that I could be more incisive. This sounds a bit – erm – French. A bit baguetty. If it had a smell it would surely be onions. Not that we have anything against the French, dear me, no. They are our allies. They have a word for cucumber. It is Concombre. They stole it from us. And grapefruit. Pamplemousse. Sounds like the name of a cuddly toy from Bruce Forsyth’s Generation Game. Still. They’re great.
Queen: Seven Seas of Rhye
This is most promising – rock on! I have heard of Queen, of course, but hear, hear a song that actually rocks – best one tonight – and, even better, the old pensioners and hip hop artists are beating a hasty retreat for the gangplank. Yowsah! We’ll survive, oh yes – a terrific song, based on a cheeky piano riff, well worth a second play, and a segue into music hall at the end. One could call it a ‘crowning’ achievement. Ahahah. Of course it was downhill from here and then Ben Elton. Oh dear.
Echo and The Bunnymen: Seven Seas
Seven seas but without the Rhye – another corker – amazing what one can find in the forward hold. Glad to see – I’m kissing the tortoise shell – heaven knows what he’s going on about, but it makes us happy – like Judy Teen. The pensioners have completely disappeared, but there’s an ugly atmosphere a building outside, as though those who are about to get duffed in salute you. Still the music, the music: acoustic led. Melodic. Short.
Christie:
A good bass intro, up tempo descending key, honky tonk piano playing – the war is won and he’s returning to the place he loves. My respect for the Drunken Vinylers returns to me threefold – and they do this drunk! We should respect the way they try to hold back the tide of mediocrity – but no – the Admiral banged them up in the brig.
Boney M: Gotta Go Home
What’s this about? This is what happens, some berk going on about heading for the islands. Still a nice calypso beat and steel drums – a crowd pleaser. I myself have walked upon those golden sandy beaches that the combo references in this little tune. I should be up and dancing but the thought of more ‘Captain’s Log’ makes me want to chuck. I shall have to abscond, release the prisoners and fight of the advancing hordes of Hip Hop artists and pensioners. I declare. They seem tooled up as I type.
Double: Captain of Her Heart
Ah – we must be nearing the end. A smoocher. Every Valentine’s disco needs one and ours is no exception – this is deeply melodic, a one hit wonder with the emphasis on wonder. The synthesisers simply slip down the sliding scale of sadness until the saxophone rescues you. I don’t care what they say – the sound wouldn’t be as intense without the vinyl. Bloody French. What are chichis anyway – I’ll tell you what they are. Long bloody doughnuts in a paper packet. Bastards. We most probably invented those.
Sailor: Glass of Champagne
OOO – hello, sailor! He’s talking about doing it – over – a glass of champagne. Rude. Even with my degree, I’m frankly interested – a bit pub rock, by no means a bad thing. We should have had Squeeze but I don’t think they did anything about the sea, anyway. Okay – this has lifted us and, the hip hoppers are hopping about a bit. Not a lot. But the Admiral and I detected a smidgeon of hopping.
Crowded House: Weather With You
We served in the Royal Australian Navy once and it wasn’t all boomerangs and Aborigines, I can tell you. There was this huge bald bloke who smelt of Fosters and kept going on about his bed was burning. Then there was another bloke who was perpetually waiting for a train and kept asking why it was cold at night. Worse? Well there were some nutter wittering on about vegemite. Best of all was this corking little bird who remembered the O Jays. Her boyfriend? Best not go there.
Rod Stewart: Sailing
Oh dear – we’re doomed. The Valentine’s party look decidedly ugly. Well – in that they are ugly and mounted on Shopmobility scooters. Still – if you ever consider joining the Royal Navy, be prepared to sing this song. A lot. Whatever you may say, this is a sailors classic. Admiral – we need t leave, now. Pick up Trouserpress and let’s beat a hasty retreat. I’ve heard that your average hi[p hop artist can be reasonably menacing in a riot whilst wielding g some trainers and a flat screen TV new nicked from Comet.
Final Thoughts- What have we learnt this week?
We in her majesty’s Royal Naval Intelligence apologise most profusely for Able Seaman Perkin’s crass mistake. It appears that Valentine’s Day was last Tuesday and we are somewhat late – or adrift. Blast. Please refer to the punishment table promulgated earlier.
Now see here. It would appear that Trouserpress, Perkins and myself – to use a naval metaphor – have been or found ourselves somewhat out of our depth trying to run a Valentine’s discothèque with the limp wristed collection of sea related singles found in the for’ard hold of HMS Trumpeter. We are, even now, fending off a thousand tooled up pensioners on their Shopmobility scooters demanding their Valentine’s Day pensions back, there is a final demand from Hip Hop Artist named Reveal and two German musicians are angrily waving their tools in our collective faces – something about being ‘about to Schnapp’ – oh I see, good joke, Hans, vot a sense of humour – ha ha. No, don’t hit me, Florian, it’s not the German way!
We have learnt that we should hand over the keys to the turntables to our friends in the brig for next week’s turntable fun.
Good loving, all of you. See you next time in some crappy side panel.
If I’m allowed.
Which I won’t Be.
Those BASTARDS at Drunken Vinyls will see to That.
And I only acted in your best Interests.
I failed.
We failed.
I know that.
I am Rear Admiral Logjammer.
Signing Off.
We couldn’t even hold a disco in Age Concern.
Royal Navy.
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