N - GARY NUMAN - THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE

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GARY NUMAN

THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE

‘Here in my car, Dum dum dum durrrr…’

Here at Drunken Vinyls every day is party day!

Well, except for the two day abstinence period recommended by the Government’s Health Departrment which we unswervingly stick to. No really. Why, to be sure, our only vice is a glass of port on those two days, accompanied by a mighty fine Manikin Cigar. Sheer pleasure with thoughts of Caroline Monroe in her jungle bikini.

Early 1970s explorers discovered the pleasure of the Manikin. The Manikin Hunters, as they were known, were wandering along a verdant and beauteous beach having strayed too far from the safe paths pioneered by their best friends, the Bounty Bar Coconut Hunters (in search of paradise) on their own endless quest to lounge around in paradisiacal pools, sheltered from the sun by fruit laden palms and shag each other stupid whilst avoiding parrot shit. As the gazed in wonder through the fecund foilage, the Manikin Hunters were accosted and astounded by the sight of a beautiful and well endowed jungle maiden, lunging provocatively through the jungle ferns and waving a menacing machete. The only thing that spoilt it was the wah-wah sound of the throbbing bass guitar soundtrack and a pompous disembodied voiceover whingeing on about ‘coming in search of paradise and finding luxurious chocolate’.

Explorers, eh? You’ve got to love them  haven’t you? Some seek long life and health. Others seek spiritual enlightenment. Yet more seek the promised land of Portaloo Motorway Services. God only knows what Hip Hop Artist Named Reveal seeks, the poor, pitiful, misbegotten fool. And us? We seek only to have you come with us, back to a time where life was innocent, where music was something to treasure and came on huge black vinyl circles called records. No, you may not text about and you are certainly not welcome to use your Apps here dear friends. So settle down, get your decks out and open a can. Vinyl time is here again.

It’s TIME for our NEW REGULAR FEATURE!

DRUNKEN VINYLS PRESENTS:

GOD OF THE MONTH!

It’s the first month of a new year, dear drinkers, and time to change our ways…He’s Ancient! He’s Awesome! He’s the One and Only God of the Romans….. Janus!!

Hail and Well Met, Great Fellows of Drunkeness, I am Janus, Ancient and Mighty Roman God of Beginnings and Transitions - but you can call me Hugh. You’ve most probably heard of me in the long and tedious church sermons or school assemblies of your youth: I am invoked by portentous vicars and Headteachers as they urge you, generally accompanied by foul halitosis, to look back upon your sins and misdemeanours, bid them adieu and gaze forward to a new and fresh start. 

The month of January is named for me, just as March is named for Mars, God of Chocolate and Acne. I could also point out that the planets Jupiter and Uranus have bits of my name in them, ‘J’ and ‘Anus’ respectively, but scholars have decreed no man shall ever pronounce it thus and have retconned it to be enunciated as ‘annus’. Ironically, however, in the ancient lands of the Etruscans, annus is the collective noun for all the extremely rude parts of a lady in one go. Should you find yourself, through happenstance, to be standing next to a delightful lady cosmologist or astronomer from Etrusca on no account should you therefore say to her ‘can I see Urannus’. The response could be painful.

Still I digress; I’m worse than Fama on my mobile phone! January is also renowned for many other traditions. Literally millions of rocking tunes have been named for your very own one and true Roman Colossus. There’s ‘January’ by Pilot, for a start, a banging tune; ‘January February’ By some wee Scots lass, not quite as definitive because it includes ‘February’ in the title and is thus diluted; not to forget….bugger, it’s gone, completely slipped my mind, miles and miles away.

One January tradition that I am particularly wary of – and so should you be – is the Football January Transfer Window. This is where the manager of your favourite soccerball team realises that his team is almost certainly doomed to relegation and he’s for the chop and indulges in some ‘PANIC BUYING’.

There’s also something to do with taking a lump of coal round as a friend to your neighbour, haggis and neeps and, most famously, New Year’s resolutions such as ‘I will not smoke any more fags once this packet of 20 are finished, I will lose some weight by jogging to Sainsbury’s and carrying all my shopping home and, of course, I will abstain from too much self abuse in front of the computer once everybody’s gone to work / bed (delete as appropriate) this year. Cracking!

So there you have it. Plenty good reasons for admiring your own, your very own Janus. Adieu, adieu to year and year and year!

AND NOW,

DRUNKEN VINYLS PRESENTS:

SETTING UP TIME!

Whilst we give you time to set up your decks, let’s cast a worried frown in the direction of cash strapped Britain as it rattles about in its death throes.

In news this week: We find famous chef Anthony, a good Roman name if ever there was one, apologises for his light fingered discounting activities at Tesco claiming that ‘Every Little Helps’ and your esteemed leader David ‘Flashman’ Cameron accuses the opposition of Tourettes Syndrome and then ‘swears’ he didn’t mean it. More amusingly still, a lorry carrying 5000 chickens overturns in Middleton, scattering poultry all over the road. None were saved which put the driver into a ‘foul’ mood despite his ‘plucky’ attempts to save them from the ‘tar and feathers’ – ho ho ho!

Still, jesting aside, if you’re like us you’re probably worried that you might have Tourette’s Syndrome which could be particularly irksome should you find yourself unwittingly elected to Parliament and facing ‘Flashman’ Cameron across the despatch box. How do you know that you are not unwittingly and unknowingly spewing filth from your mouth every thirty seconds? There’s no point in being caught short or facing public humiliation on BBC Parliament as some foul profanity ejaculates from your frontage – try our quick and easy Tourettometer and be confident.

Tourette’s Syndrome….have you got it? Here’s how to tell!

Results

Mainly 1’s: You are a tolerant and witty well set up fellow, aren’t you? I expect you’re the life and soul of the party – we salute you. Nevertheless leave a cassette recorder running next to your bed at night – you could be a secret swearer – all that pent up frustration has got to go somewhere.

Mainly 2’s: Slightly naughty but nice, you are one of life’s also-rans, an inveterate fence sitter, a squatter on life’s central reservation. Swearing and profanity is something strange to you – almost alien. But you recognise it in others when you hear it.

Mainly 3’s: Try not to run for Government as you are likely to irritate the current Prime Minister. We suggest a life as a Millwall fan – or telephone Channel 4 and they’ll send the Documentary crew around.

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GARY NUMAN

THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE

WHAT’S THE STORY?

Gary Numan: A Sad Fact of History - The Story behind the Vinyl

Gary Numan was born half man / half robot due to his mum being offered poor advice by the National Health Service. ‘Eat plenty of iron,’ they urged, ‘For a stronger baby’. Mrs Webb went straight to the Hammersmith Flyover and started to partake of it, every day for two hours at a time. It was a stupid thing to do and there would be consequences – for a start the opening date off the flyover was put back by several months and it has never really been the same since. Begorrah Begorrah. To be fair, these particular National Health Civil servants also used to tell everyone that if you smoked you would have more hairs on your chest. Bastards. Sheer bastards. Giving birth to half a metal automaton was no picnic either. It is said that Mrs Webb strained and strained and when young Gary plopped out, he was already equipped with metal pincers in order that he might better pincer things like some giant mutant crab with pincers.

Thus began Gary’s terrible life. School was particularly irksome, for pincers were not a requirement for ball games – in fact they were a positive drawback. In later life, Gary was always to look back upon his childhood with resentment. ‘I was always last to be picked – if at all,’ he remembers, ‘All those boys with giant pincers made of metal need not apply to play five a side, they would say.’ I was ostracised due to my giant pincers. Later I was to write a song about it called ‘She’s Got Claws’ but it would have been more truthful if I’d called it ‘He’s Got Claws’ or even ‘I’ve Got Claws’ he moaned to us until we kicked him out.

What is a concept LP? You may well ask, but Gary didn’t need us to tell him. A concept LP is literally a record with some kind of back story or narrative twist. Thus The Beatles wrote one about living and breathing condiments called ‘Sgt Peppers’ and The Who did one about Tommy who was a young boy called Tommy. Gary Numan scratched his head with his pincers and decided that he would do one too called ‘Numan Being’ about the terrible hardships of growing up with giant metallic pincers from cradle to grave. After several minutes of sheer hard work and perspiration, Numan had a working brief: The provisional track listing went thus:

Track 1: PRAM	Here in my pram, Here in my pram, I know where I am, I’m here in my pram.
Track 2: COT	Here in my cot, here in my cot, I cry a lot, in my cot…
Track 3: SEAT	Strapped in my seat, strapped in my seat, I play with my meat, in my seat.
Track 4: POTTY	Here on the pot, scratching my bot, stinking a lot, on the pot.
Track 5: NAPKIN	Here on the mat, being changed on the mat, doing a crap, on the mat.

But after 25 minutes of music making, Numan Being was still only three months old and Gary realised that, genius though he was, he would get tired of being Numan quite quickly. Sensibly he changed tack and gave us the record we know and love today.

THE NOT QUITE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS

1. Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
2. Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
3. Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
4. Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
5. Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live

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GARY NUMAN

THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE

Tonight’s Sponsors:

Fosters Lager: ‘Fosters: The Australian For Lager’

Accompanied by a Manikin Cigar for ‘Sheer Enjoyment!’ ‘Not Arf!’

Now, Drunken Vinylers – it is time to unsheathe the black-stuff by which we mean remove the sleeve; we’re going in naked. This wreckage we call us, we’ve got claws and we take mystery to bed. We do though, don’t we though?

 SIDE ONE

Airlane

A two handed piece of drums and synthesisers – we would guess Polymoog and Minimoog – oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah – a tuneless and unpleasant sound, like an overlong 80s Doctor Who soundtrack where Adric runs across some fields unconvincingly and then trips over the root of a tree. It batters the senses like a Findus Crunchy Cod Fillet – four in a box and never quite as good as the BBQ chippy down the road. The Bar Bee Cue Chippy, we never went there because it was haunted. We feel flanged. When we remove the crispy cod from the oven, one is always soggy. Why is that? Will this track never finish?

Metal

A pulsating synthesiser with reverbed drums reminiscent of late Beach Boys hit ‘Do It Again’ Hooray we welcome the automaton voice of the Numan Being himself, Gary. He is taking on the persona of an android we think. But you could boogie on down to this if you were desperate- I’m sure that we did.

Complex

Hmmm. We remember ‘The Record Mirror’ describing this song as noisome. It isn’t quite that bad, nauseating but the electric cello swirls quite pleasantly and sets the scene for Visage and Ultravox who pay homage to this sound on every record they release for the next five years. Please keep him away don’t let him touch me.

Films

Now this is more like it, a nice swing beat on the drums and your face twitches into a smile for the first time. Films – we like films – a lot. Hopefully Gary likes them too. What is your favourite film? Oh no. We’re wrong. He doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like films, he doesn’t like the scenery, the props or the actors like some robot Andy Pipkins from ‘Little Britain’. He makes a joke about being ‘exposed’ like he could be naked or exposed as in filmed. We have to explain that to our weaker readers.

M.E.

Was Adric the most stupid companion ever in Doctor Who? Let’s consider the evidence - his badge for Mathematical excellence and his ridiculous pudding bowl haircut, his pyjamas – and the fact that he used to say ‘Let’s go to the sausaging.’ Let’s go to the sausaging? What the crap is that all about? You notice they don’t bring Adric back, do they? This song passed in a drunken blur – it sounded a bit like ‘Where’s Your Head At’ by Basement Jaxx. What’s that on Adric’s head? Is it a haircut? Is it a haircut?

SIDE TWO

Tracks

Stupid things that Adric did were numerous. He called melons riverfruit for a start. You can’t go up to some girl and say ‘Oh, get you! What a lovely pair of riverfruit,’ Can you? Twat. More things? He wore a stupid belt – because he was an ‘Outler’. Bollocks. Not only that, he pretended to like vampires to get an extra portion of cheese and allowed the cybermen to crash him into a planet. This is a corking track by the way – we are full of gratitude to hear it again – it’s a synthesiser pounding away with some adenoidal bloke singing in the background. And anybody who argues with Peter Davison needs a kick up the jackstay.

Observer

This is very ponderous – it sounds like it was composed on the toy piano of some malevolent child in the nursery. Very poor. The lyrics allude to a voyeur watching for ladies knickers and bras off a line – no not really, we were just trying to cheer ourselves up.

Conversation

It’s toy time in the studios again – this one has the grinding synthesiser of all the others and has the same three notes repeated like some playground chant. He must have been a laugh at school to talk to. ‘Gary have you been disturbing the little ones again? Go and play with the glockenspiel and leave your friends alone.’ This one doesn’t half go on. It makes you want to play with knickers and bras. Also it taunts you with the fact it might end by occasionally stopping and then starting again – false endings, if you will. At least it’s cars next.

Cars

We say it every week – here it is the classic. But why do we have to wade through the other nine tracks to get here? Why, God, why? Oh WHY? WHY? And now we’re drunk again. Will you visit me please if I open my doors in cars? We have to say it, if either of us got into our cars right now we’d be banged up. Knickers and bras, knickers and bras, here in my car, knickers and bras.

Engineers

Anyway, it was a good thing that they wrote Adric out of Doctor Who by having him killed. But it does beg the question as to which dimwit thought it would be a good idea to put him in there in the first place? At last the end, we begin with a drum roll – quite lively for this record, but as soon as the synths start the whole thing slows down. The pounding rhythm is filched from Floyd’s ‘Welcome to the Machine’ and neither of us liked that much either. We’ll tell you something else…this is all a bit ‘not much fun fun fun on the Autobahn.’

What Have We Learnt Tonight?

We haven’t been very lucky with our choice of LPs lately. If anything this has been worse than M C Hammershit – but we have to listen in order to satisfy the needs of the experiment – we think that future-kind might like this one.

It’s been a long journey tonight through science fiction soundscapes of metallic music which reminds how easily it is to become alienated by the shit we wade through every day. In recognition of an already poor world therefore, let us never mock the afflicted under any circumstances. Whether you meet a miniature person, a fishermen’s friend, Jessie J, a man with gigantic metal claws instead of hands – come one, come all, to the broad church that is Drunken Vinyls.

Until next time, farewell, farewell - have some hail, why don't you?!!