Z is for ZZ TOP: ELIMINATOR (1983)

Z

ZZ TOP: ELIMINATOR

(1983)

 THE FINAL TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS

1. Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety, then take it to your local charity shop where it may be assured of warmth.
2. Thou shalt notice that 'cheap lager' is now an oxymoron but drink it nevertheless.
3. Thou shalt record for posterity those drunken ramblings as they occur to thee. No one will read them.
4. Thou shalt swear during the drinking and playing of the record. Swear never to do this again, that is.
5. Thou shalt grin smugly and note that Blackberry I Phones are going out of business. It is not thy doing.
6. Thou shalt never mention the 'Hip Hop Artist Called Reveal' ever again but note that, so far as you are aware, he has not been heard of or had a hit in the last two years and neither has that other utter weed 'Women Like Brickz'.
7. Thou shalt drive immediately to that place in Surrey where them protesters from Camp Pou are whinnying about Fracking and drown them in boiling oil or at least give them the finger. 
8. Thou shalt not observe that 'things were different in the 70s it was like a different era'.
9. Thou shalt continue to play vinyl records and bore everybody in the pub by saying 'they sound better than downloads'.
10. Thou shalt observe, as appropriate, that Arsenal have still won nothing. Thou may observe that Bachary Sagna looks like an utter weed with those beads in his hair. Like some latter day Judy Simpson. She didn't win much, neither.

Hello You!!

AND.. welcome to Drunken Vinyls: The Finals. Yes readers, this is the very very last post. And what a journey it has been! Exploring all known vinyls known to man (yes that was a deliberate tautology; we can do that, that is what we do)(Oh, another one - did you spot that?) from A - Z. Getting merrily pissed along the way. But now it's time to turn and go away. Although we never really did 'A' ...did we? Don't get your hopes up because we have bigger fish to Glen.

Cockney rhyming slang: Glen. Glen Frey. Fry. Geddit? Bigger fish to fry! No? Oh well. Please yourselves.

Pato Banton: Exploding the Myth

A Drunken Vinyls Psychoanalysis Special

In his dull and miserable 90s single 'Baby Come Back' a paean to lost love, heartbreak and betrayal, the very moderately talented rapping reggae star urges his baby, Liza, to 'come back'. She has, it seems, left him because "He must admit he was a clown, to be messin' around, but that doesn't mean, that she 'ave to leave town."

Similarly, however, in the 90s remix of 'No No No - You Don't Love Me' by Dawn Penn - an annoying man keeps rapping 'Tell the People, Tell the People' at the end of each line, over and over until the listener's head bleeds. But what is the connection between the two? Well, in point of fact, there isn't one - but it's SO annoying we felt we had to mention it.

But will Liza ever heed Pato's impassioned cries and 'come back'? Sadly, we think not. But why?

Fact 1: Banton fully admits he is, or was at some point, a clown. Surely that indicates he is peripatetic and, therefore, forever 'aving to leave town himself?

Fact 2: Clowns tend to live in tents and spend much of their time in them. It will be hard for Liza, as a modern woman, to reconcile herself and possible offspring to a life under canvas.

Fact 3: It is well known that clowns (but nobody else) find it extremely amusing to participate willingly in a lifestyle that involves throwing buckets of water, hitting each other with heavy wooden planks around the head, indulging in pratfalls and possessing noses that flash red intermittently along with spinning bow ties. If Liza is not herself a clown, and we have no evidence to suggest she is, she would find such behaviour tiresome in the extreme and would soon be leaving town with or without the heartfelt pleas of Pato and his troop of mirthmakers.

If these truths are not damning enough, we can find further clues in subsequent lines as to why Liza left. Admissions, if you will, of a very poor grasp of the social norms by the happy-go-lucky rapper.

1. Bragging about owning a 'Colour TV' will have little effect on a woman such as Liza. Most people these days have one and, even if not, they are easy to procure from 'Radio Rentals'.
2. Similarly we imagine, that in the age of downloads and MP3 players, she will not be swayed in the slightest by his fantastic collection of Bob Marley CDs. These will not even offer her very any protection against his exploding cars and giant bumper shoes.
3. His bag of sensi will very probably ultimately result in some sort of detention at Her Majesty's pleasure, something Liza will have factored in when considering Pato's potential as a father and provider. Just ask Smiley Culture.
4. Even when begging on knees, the average clown is likely to look ridiculous and not inspire anything approaching sympathy.

Therefore, whilst we feel sorry for Pato Banton and his cheeky chappy persona, we feel we must applaud Liza for her common sense in leaving the irksome prat.

By the time you read this, Pato, she and the man with the removal van will be long gone to a happier and more secure future. And she heard that crap record you did with Sting, too.

Drunken Vinyls: The Future

And So...The End is Near...

Now that we've reached the end of our lager fueled odyssey, you are most probably sitting at home, biting your nails, picking your anxiety warts and worrying about the abyss of boredom even now opening up before you on a Friday evening. But NEVER FEAR! We have, here at DeeVee towers have anticipated your chagrin and encroaching ennui and have been working as never before to provide a new, even more exciting, groundbreaking experience!!

We are extremely proud and happy to announce the PILOT of what we hope will be a superlative, awesome and, let's not deny it, educational voyage for YOU our READERS as we attempt to review all the books ever written, from A - Z whilst drinking a can of lager at the conclusion of each chapter!!

YES! THAT'S RIGHT! WE GIVE YOU:

DRUNKEN NOVELS

Z

Z FOR ZACHARIAH
by Robert C O'Brien

(1974)

About The Author: Rupert C'O Prune once had a hit with 'The Pina Colada Song' in 1978. It was a misogynistic tale of a man who was bored with his wive and answered an advertisement in a 'Personal' column in a newspaper. Confused? Well we have the same thing nowadays on the INTERNET. It is called 'E-Lovingharmony.Com' and it's basically an excuse for a quick and easy shag with no come backs providing one of you lays out the cash for a steak meal with onion rings, chips and peas and a bottle of vinegary wine. The sting in this particular tale was that Rupert went for a hot date only to find it was his bloody wife. He nearly stabbed himself with the steak knife.

Disheartened by the whole, sordid experience, Rupert turned his not inconsiderable talents to writing about the last man in the world, the titular 'Zachariah'

Essential Background Information: The novel fits into the popular sub genre 'post nuclear apocalypse dopey teenage romantic girl with a dog crossover' due to it being written in the 1970s when nuclear holocaust was all the rage. It is set in a valley which survives Armageddon because it has its own weather. Huh? How does that work?

Know Your Characters: 

• Miss Ann Burden, a sixteen year old teenager. A. Burden. No hidden message there, then.
• Mr Loomis, a mad scientist with a magic suit wandering around with a trolley in the nuclear wilderness in search of a toilet he deeply misses - LOOK people, it's in the name - Loo-mis. It's called SYMBOLISM.
• Faro, a manky dog - possible a labrador, possibly a shiatsu, it does not specify and it dies by jumping into a radioactive river. There's intelligence for you.
• Zachariah, all seeing, all knowing - an omniscient presence who does little or nothing, really, in fact we're buggered if we can find him mentioned at all. But you'll be the first to know when he appears in his mighty hooded cape and orange trousers in a puff of computer generated smoke! 

All Set? Well Tip Up Your Can and OFF WE GO!!!

Chapter 1: Ann Burden goes on and on about her valley in her diary. What valley is this then? Sounds a bit...rude. She's a dull sort. Very dull. No mention of which pop group she follows - is she a Belieber? We never find out. No wonder all her family buggered off into town in their jalopy to certain death. Every so often it appears she goes for a surreptitious distant smoke which is bang out of order anyway due to the health risks involved.

No sign of Zachariah - probably gone for a round of golf in the wasteland with his super mate Zebedee from The Magic Roundabout.

Chapter 2: Ann Burden keeps going for a distant smoke but it appears that every time she 'sparks up' it's closer to where she lives. She now decides to let some chickens into her garden. Is this a *paltry* act? Paltry act - it's the way we tell them. Chuckle. Ann wants to live in a cave. Or a church. Why not a cave that IS a church? Now that would be good. She'd have to *alter* her plans. LOL.

Zachariah absent - probably sulking after a romantic disappointment in Woking and seeking solace in a Rum Baba.

Chapter 3:  Ann Burden is in a cave smoking fags when some bloke turns up. The reader later finds out he is Loomis but he remains a shadowy presence at this point in the narrative. He puts up his tent then jumps in a river. Unfortunately for him, this river turns out to be poisoned with deadly nightshade dropped in there by the Deadly Sensorites from Sense Sphere which is a bit unexpected but they're hovering over the planet in their Saucers with Death Rays even now pointed at the tent! In her cave, Ann, somewhat heartlessly, realises she has run out of fags and nips off to the shop for 20 Bensons and a box of Swan Vestas.

Zachariah is a no show. He's probably at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival enjoying a stand up performance by Frank Skinner.

Chapter 4: Ann Burden ponders the future of humankind as she lights up a Benson and gazes on the nuclear devastation all around her. Is she the last living soul? Has she heard of Damon Albarn's cartoon group The Gorillaz? What about the kids with guns? She, at last, has a startling thought and moves to action. She shall be the mother to the new human race! She and Loomis! She races to the poisoned river and commands dog Faro to leap in and save him! Aghast, she watches as the dog sinks it's teeth into Loomis' decaying corpse, rolls over in the water and, with a startled whimper, dies. The two wretched corpses spontaneously explode - or do they? Ann Burden gazes above her head as a gigantic flying saucer descends from the heavens and hovers ominously, threateningly, defying all gravity!

Above Ann, a hatch slowly and sonorously grinds open, metal on metal, with a cacophonous thunder. From within the now gaping chasm above, a megaphone on a piece of string flops out to within six inches of Ann's cocked ear:

"WE ARE THE DEADLY SENSORITES OF SENSE SPHERE! WE HEREBY CLAIM THIS PLANET! GLORY TO OUR LEADER! DEATH TO HUMANITY!"

Needless to say, our heroine keels over and falls limply to the ground.

But what of Zachariah? Will he save humanity from certain death with his magic stick? Nope. He's off to Poundstretchers on Hitchin High Street to pick up a four pack of Crunchies.

NEXT WEEK ON DRUNKEN NOVELS!

B for Bean

It's Thrills and Spills a-Plenty!

Comedy buffoon Mr BEAN pratfalls around in a radioactive fallout shelter and attempts to eat some raw mince!!!!

Bet you can't wait!

But now...let's CUT TO THE CHASE...as we present:

Z

ZZ TOP: ELIMINATOR
(1983)

Z Z Top - What YOU need to know:

Probably the coolest heavy rock band in HISTORY, Z Z Top (pronounced ZeeZee and not Zed Zed Top) were, strangely, best known for their appearance in Science Fiction MOVIES and TV Shows as opposed to their actual music which was dubbed 'nondescript and bland' by critics of the day. With their long beards and fancy 'duds', they were in constant demand to play either cheap to produce alien monsters (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century) or omnipotent warlock beasts in shows and films too numerous to list. 

One notable appearance, however, was in Star Trek: The Next Generation 'The BeardMeisters of Megas-Tu' which featured ZZ Top as malevolent but mischievous warlocks hell bent on spiriting away the USS Enterprise to 'Wrigley's Pleasure Planet' where they would deliver a spontaneous show of their greatest hits which included 'Legs', 'Gimme All Your Loving' and 'TV Dinners' to the indigenous population of harmless amphibian frog people.

As you might imagine, Jean-Luc Picard was less than pleased because, as he succinctly put it to Commander Riker, it would 'violate the prime directive'. Lt Cdr Worf was somewhat less diplomatic. He called them 'Bearded Bastards that ruin our TV Series in order to Cash In by playing their SHITE records'. This line has caused controversy ever since because it was thought to 'break the fourth wall'.

The more observant amongst you might notice that one member of ZZ Top is an 'odd man out'. Can you see who? Yes that's right, the middle one. He is not stupidly hirsute in appearance or wearing pathetic clothes. This is because he is a 'serious musician' who wishes to be 'respected by his peers'. Not much chance of that, we think. An exercise in futility when placed next to those two prats.

Well here we go. One last spin. One last listen and then...in the words of Jeff Lynne: "It's over, it's over, it's oh-oh-ver, it's all over..." Strange. we're going to miss all this. Awww.

Side One

1. Gimme All Your Lovin 

Momma! Momma! Help! For a minute it wasn't working then we realised the mixer wasn't switched on. Schoolboy error. Crack a tube and off we go. 

Sharp snare drum and a glissando sliding down the slippery erect-neck of the guitar. Cool riff based rock. Yowsah! "Gimme all your loving, all your hugs and kisses too." Hugs and kisses. How rock n roll is that? Urgh. Oh well this rocks along nicely if you ignore the lyrics and it brings back memories of the dance-hall in Portsmouth, The Ritzy, where we would attempt to stick tongues down the ears of young ladies - or gentlemen - as a foolproof seduction technique. Fades out into drums and diminishing guitar licks

Good opening track. A recommended rocker that makes for easy jiving or play along too with your air-bass guitar. Nice.

2. Got Me Under Pressure

It is clear that Freddy Mercury was hanging around the recording studios with a tape deck for this little number. He must have whipped round to 6 Whipsnade Gardens (David Bowie's home at the time) and said, 'Hey, Dave, listen to THIS!' This is more up tempo with snarling guitars but the same foursquare beat and horizontal melody. Some nice work on the tom toms. It motors along quite nicely and tells the story of a high class girl who likes all the good things in life; consequently our her feels under pressure. Maybe he should ditch her for somebody who prefers 'TV Dinners'.

3. Sharp Dressed Man  

We can only assume that this song refers to somebody other than those in the group themselves. Slower tempo. The band now lists all the things they DON'T wear, like a clean suit and a pressed shirt. Another rocker. The guitar seems to provide an ironic commentary on the subject matter and the break plays for ever. It's got 'hit single' all over it.

4. I Need You Tonight  

A song so good that INXS pinched the title for their single 'Need You Tonight' dropping the 'I' to avoid litigation. Starts with high pitched guitar solo and the bass chugs along nicely in a call and response fashion before we settle into a cracking groove. NOW - this is more like it, we're in David Coverdale territory here - the melody is nicely downbeat. He's aching for HER, he needs HER tonight, he's burning - and we all know what this feels like. Most authentic track so far, form echoes function. Good stuff - we feel better already. As the solo winds a slow and never ending path to her window, we, the listener, wonder if ZZ Top ever get nits. Nits in their hair, beard or eyebrows. That would be irksome.

5. I Got the Six 

Amusingly, the group only use HALF the first line of the chorus to title this tune. It would have been cumbersome to include the complete '...eggs we need to make the omelette for us tea we saw on Jamie Oliver's 'Cook In' last night. Appropriately, our boys 'whip' it up and provide a solid back 'beat'. Chuckle. Fast paced rocker with staccato vocals, the beat here is slightly different, intermittent on the 'I got the Six' vocal until it settles into the groove beloved by the band. Nice stuff.

Side Two

6. Legs 

The video for this song involves a girl with good legs. We can't imagine why. She gets bullied by everybody around her until a 'sharp dressed man' gives her some cake and they drive off in the red car from the LP sleeve. See? If you didn't have the sleeve, then you wouldn't realise the significance of that red car. What you notice here is that 80s synthesizer sound though. This whips along! Bet this filled the floor in Castaways Disco, lots of dancing around the handbags and side-together dance steps - the more adventurous would alternate with the arms in that jerky 'Legs and Co' hitchhiking motion. Best track so far! we love it!

Tongue in the ear, though, wonder if the youth of today still DO that? Revolting practice. Gawd knows what you'd find down there. One of us did it recently to an unsuspecting lady of the mature persuasion and was roundly slapped.

7. Thug

A song dedicated to followers of Wolverhampton Wanderers presumably. Oh - a warbling 'Kraftwerkian' synthesizer introduction. Well, our lives! Adventurous stuff from the bearded ones. The bass(?) stutters in a stacatto and there's a vaguely South American bosa-nova groove thang going on here - we THINK it's a commentary on drugs and gangsters but difficult to be certain. Tell you what, though, a very nice contrast to previous tracks.

8. TV Dinners

Cultural primer: A TV dinner was, if you didn't know, a foil wrapped meal you placed in the oven to heat up and consume with minimum effort. This 80s phenomenon was beloved of television watching Americans. It consisted of beef jerky, a boiled potato and  some cabbage smothered in thick Texan Smokey barbecue sauce. The nutritional value of TV dinners was theoretical at best and they have now been prohibited and been replaced by 'Ready Meals'. Similarly as down tempo as the last track but more traditional rock fare going on here, with triple guitar chords reminiscent of a warning siren, as the vocalist sings of eating too much junk food and feeling slightly sick. He starts the song by liking the meals, they're bonza, but as the song unfolds they start to have detrimental effects: go to the head, can't get out of bed, feeling rough, we can only assume he eventually dies. A song ahead of its time!

9. Dirty Dog 

Nothing worse than the smell of your dog after it's been swimming and cleaned itself by rolling over and over in a field strewn with cow-pats. Up tempo, misogynistic rocker. Wouldn't be allowed these days. Amusing barking effects played on guitar. Who let the dogs out?

10. If I Could Only Flag Her Down

A great boogie-woogie chugathon as patented by the mighty Status Quo - could have come straight off 'Blue For You', could this. Put your hands in your belt loops and get banging those heads, people.

11. Bad Girl  

Nothing worse than the smell of your girl after she's been swimming and cleaned herself by rolling over and over in a field strewn with cow-pats. Actually it would make more SENSE if the adjectives of these two track titles had been switched. Then we would have 'Bad Dog' and 'Dirty Girl'- much more commonplace and sensible, you'll agree. We're going to finish with a foot stomper, then, those chords are an alarm to party. The vocals are screamed out and reverbed in best Black Sabbath tradition; crack open your lager and get down, get with it!

Verdict: An excellent pop/rock album, with a few pleasant surprises in terms of tempo changes and instrumentation, this well worth tracking down in your local Charity Shop and slapping on the turntable - you won't be disappointed.

So What Have We Learnt Over The Last Two Years?

Well, dear readers, nothing about music. Well except it DO sound better on the old vinyls! But here are ten life lessons we can leave you with. You can draw your own conclusions.

1. Sadly, Jimmy Saville was anything but a good guy. 
2. Britain will always be in depression or depressed about an impending depression.
3. Rioting children did not show the rich people that 'they can do what they want'. They nicked some designer footwear and legged it. Similarly, Hip Hop Artist named Reveal did not shed any light whatsoever on their motivation or grievances because they were a bunch of opportunistic freeloaders. Hip Hop Artist named Reveal was never invited back to Newsnight. Or indeed any night by anyone.
4. Against all the odds, Andy Murray turned out to be the greatest sporting hero of recent times.
5. If there is an announcement that some new road, railway track or factory is to be built, an unwelcome bunch of middle class Starbucks swillers will turn up and camp, leaving dirty toilet paper behind when they get bored and leave.
6. 462 Ocean Boulevard has never been an abode of Eric Clapton and is not next door to 461. This was a malicious lie.
7. Haircut 100 will never reform for a farewell tour thanks to an embittered Nick Heyward. Get over it, Nick!
8. 'Dubbin' is difficult to come by, indeed we have never seen it stocked in our local Tesco.
9. Carlos Tevez spent the last two years sulking at Manchester City FC and has now gone. We wonder if they regretted that poster saying 'Welcome to Manchester'?
10. Bruce Forsyth! What a guy! Still presenting Strictly Come Dancing!

Nice to have seen you; to have seen you...NICE!