THOMPSON TWINS Quick Step AND Side Kick!

T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

AND THIS MONTH’S PLEBS ARE…

The Plebeians were the lower classes from ancient Rome as any fule no; nicknamed the ‘Plebs’ a perfectly innocent appellation when the Romans ruled the modern world two thousand years ago: ‘look mummy, there’s a pleb,’ you might naively say whilst pointing in some poor peasant’s general direction on the way back from the forum. Nowadays if you are stupid to call somebody a pleb it’s akin to saying MUNTER:  call someone by that name, you might expect some sort of come back and Government chief whip Andrew Mitchell found himself in all sorts of bother for doing just that – well so it is reported.

We know the power of name calling – we stood outside pensioners’ favourite fashion boutique ‘Bon Marche’ yesterday and insulted those formidable carriers of the grey pound as they attempted to inoffensively shop in the establishment. ‘You Plebs!” we screamed “You don’t own this country you know!” Then we widened out our impertinence to include the words ‘scrotal sacs’ and ‘turd burglars’. We thought we would hurl abuse at postmen by calling them ‘scrotal sac wielders’ but, before long, there was a jam of ‘shop-mobility’ electric car things, and those push along baskets with bicycle brakes, so beloved of our pensioners, a jam that reached apocalyptic proportions – so we sneaked Sally down the back alley.

Licking our wounds. Never again.

Hey You! It’s been a few weeks, but we’re back again, resurrecting those old vinyls, that, like our army of good time market oldsters smell a bit suspect on occasion but we love them nonetheless. This time we’ve reached the letter T and that means The Thompson Twins! Why do it? Why do it mean that and who do it mean? Oh we don’t know. The shadows lengthen, the end gets closer

But NOW a word from our sponsors tonight:

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T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

SETTING UP TIME

For those of you new to our aimless wanderings, Drunken Vinyls is the site where we relive those great VINYLS of yesteryear with you. We’re doing every record in history from A to Zed – or if you’re American, A to Zee – a massive 26 whole records!!

To join in the fun, all you need to do is nip up your nearest Scottish mountain, find Glen, call him a fucking pleb that doesn’t run the country (you know), duff him in or even kill him should the moment take you so to do, steal his Vodka, whip round to your nearest record player retailer – you know, ‘Radiofusion’ or ‘TV Rentals’ they’ll probably have one – buy a Dansette portable, hunt around for a copy of tonight’s vinyl in any good charity shop bargain bin and – cowabunga – you’re there!

Once set up, you can play along WITH US!! We drink one shot of vodka for every track as we review the record whilst marvelling at the incredible sound quality – and getting progressively more drunkenly stupid as we go. We’ll tell you when to put the stylus on the track, drink and everything else you’ll need to know! It’s a doddle!

There are rules – well of course there are rules, this is Britain, there are always rules in Britain.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS

1. Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
2. Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
3. Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
4. Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
5. Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live
6. Thou shalt get annoyed when ALL the weekend football fixtures are suspended to allow England to play meaningless crap teams like San Marino, even if they do spang them five nil and Jonjo Shelvey gets to play.

Since we last wrote our bafflegab to you, a lot of really important things have happened worth noting:

• Great Britain is still in a recession.
• Politicians are wringing their hands and saying things of great import.
• The prices of virtually everything has risen astronomically for no good reason.
• Great Britain is still cash strapped.
• Everything costs a lot more than it did last month but there has been no improvement in the products or services. It’s like that perpetual sale at your local pine furniture warehouse – have you noticed?? They’ve always got a bloody closing down sale there OR that like lying label that says ‘NEW RECIPE’ to justify shanking you by putting 30 pence on your daily loaf of white sliced bread. How many sodding new recipes can there BE for bread for CHRIST’S sake?
• Our pay has been frozen for three years
• The Government ripped off all school leavers by causing loads of them to fail their GCSEs because they were feeling a bit frivolous that morning.
• Andy Murray won his first Grand Slam.
• Have you noticed the price of everything keeps going up?
• Great Britain is still in a recession after five sodding years.

Still, never fear, dear readers; because it’s PARTY CONFERENCE SEASON – and all will be well, all will be fine. That’s when your politicians go on a BEANO to the coast, sit in big rooms and bicker about nothing in something particular. Then they most probably get pissed and shag each other if they’re remotely human, that’s what always happens when we go to hotels on the coast.

How our brave LEADERS entertained us and tickled our funny bone – Ed Rubberband spoke for an hour with virtually no notes! The bleeding hero! The wag! And the REALLY GREAT thing was he said absolutely nothing of any importance, nada, zip, diddley-squat pizzant swamp: – nevertheless it got rave reviews in the press, though – imagine it a man standing on stage and talking unscripted bollocks for an hour – who would have thought it.

This meant the others had to up their game in terms of speaking. Sure enough Nick ‘I agree with Nick’ Clegg stood forward to be counted with all the solutions to Britain’s endless problems and terminal decline, which was: – the gift of laughter. Buoyed with success after his great joke to Ex French leader President Sarkozy about giving him ‘Mint Cake’ he was an unstoppable mirth machine with this gem of wit. Talking about environmental issues he spoke thus:

“And in order to get GREEN, you have to add YELLOW to BLUE.”

We nearly pissed ourselves here at Drunken Towers when we heard it. And then, as the laughter subsided, we were humbled and awed by the sheer wisdom of the words; the crepuscular peace of being in the presence of such sagacity descended upon us. It settled. For a moment. Then left.

We’re not going to bother with David Cameron because we can never remember a word he says. Can you? But we were left – thinking.

With all this Clegg based mirth around, there was one burning question – just who is the funniest Clegg?

AND NOW: 

Drum Roll Please As….

DRUNKEN VINYLS PRESENTS

OUR NEW MONTHLY REGULAR FEATURE:

WRITE YOUR OWN TELEVISION SHOW!

A cash strapped Britain special

STRAPPED FOR CASH?

IS YOUR PAY MORE FROZEN THAN THE CANADIAN TUNDRA?

DO YOU MARVEL AT HOW EVERYTHING GOES UP IN PRICE EXCEPT YOUR PAY?

IS YOUR PAY PACKET AN INFLATION FREE ZONE?

Then make literally MILLIONS of POUNDS by WRITING FOR TELEVISION!!

Use our handy CUT-OUT-AND-KEEP guide book to becoming a legendary writer for that box in the corner!

Chapter 1

Checking Out the Competition

Ask yourselves how difficulty can it be? Television these days is literally crap; a shitfest of the highest order.

So what are you up against? A recent survey of television showed that most programmes involved:

• Some scampering gimps dressed in plastic Michelin tyre style straight jackets dodging spinning rubber machines that smash people into a local municipal swimming pool that’s been renamed the ‘Rapids of Doom’ while a presenter gushes about *gosh* that was a close shave and *swoon* how much effort it takes to avoid the wobbly rubber see-saw.

• Four appalling celebrity goons who gurn and fart endlessly at some poor hapless turds from the sticks that sing karaoke badly, proclaiming that they’ve got what it takes to make a hit record, whilst everyone else points and laughs at them. Then they get their tits out in the newspapers, get pissed in nightclubs or pretend they’ve fallen out ‘big time’ with each other if there’s a ratings slump or the acts’ mawkish and banal covers of ‘The Lady in Red’ are not pathetic enough for the public to be sufficiently entertained.

• Some over-emoting THESPS dressed up in period costumes sitting around in horse drawn carriages and clipping servants round the ear or booting them up the backside whilst attempting to shag somebody’s brains out.

• Three sodding hours of a load of celebrities of the calibre of Keith Chegwin dancing around in stupid dresses with one fat ugly bloke who was vaguely famous for doing the horoscopes on ‘Breakfast Time’ twenty years ago being shot out of a phallic cannon to the strains off ‘Mack the Knife’

• Some weedy twats pretending to be King Arthur and the round table.

• The Eurovision Song Contest

• A load of gor-blimey two bit tossers pretending that they’re from: a) London b) Manchester or c) A made up place in the countryside. They are prone to being hit by maniacal helicopters, trams or tube trains, bickering endlessly in crap accents that ‘Ian from the sandwich shop gave me food poisoning’ or ‘The vicar’s gay’ or ‘Er down the laundry is a slapper and no mistake, Guvnor’. Sometimes they all get chucked in a swimming pool for the week and are forced to tread water at gunpoint every time you see them.

So, how difficult can it be? Don’t delay! Get your pen out! For you, Tommy, the recession is over!

Next Week: Chapter 2

BOILING UP!!

The Ingredients of the Successful Television Show!

Don’t miss it!

T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

TEN FACTS ABOUT THE THOMPSON TWINS’ LP

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

Who were the Thompson Twins? Now there’s a question. A band that time forgot despite their numerous hit records and appearances on ‘Top of the Pops’. Some people mutter mutinously that they weren’t even twins and they were inspired by ‘The Adventures of TinTin’. As ever, the truth is a lot more banal, but in that ordinariness lies something great, difficult to define or pin down. The kernel of truth lies, as ever, between the lines. These ten facts could tell you or explain something of the mystery that is – The Thompson Twins.

1. The Thompson Twins were never associated with the drink ‘Sunny D’. They never endorsed the drink nor did they urge their fans to drink enormous quantities of it and go orange. Allegedly.

2. It is not pleasant or sexy to kiss a Thompson Twins fan with bits of the Spanish sausage called ‘Chorizo’ in between your teeth – in fact it is quite revolting – also it poses dilemmas for vegetarian Thompson Twins lotharios.

3. Tom Bailey, out of The Thompson Twins, did not lend his name to ‘Baileys Irish Cream Liqueur. We feel this is a shame. It would have been fitting, if he had, to have drunk Bailey’s Irish Cream Liqueur during the review of the record if he had. But he didn’t so we won’t.

4. Alannah Currie, out of pop group The Thompson Twins is not, or never has been in any way, related to Conservative politician Edwina Currie and would never pose topless with nothing but fried eggs to cover her modesty. Or cause a scandal about eggs, salmonella and beef burgers.

5. It is rumoured that if you play the track ‘All Fall Down’ on Side 2 backwards, one of the Thompson Twins can be heard muttering ‘Hazelnut Yoghurt, Turn Me On, Turn Me On’ which is one of the reasons why this popular snack was banned and withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the late 1990s . Well that and the fact that nobody really liked it very much and preferred peach melba.

6. Although nobody remembers who the OTHER Thompson Twin was (there was Tom Bailey and some bird with no eyebrows), they all remember his clarion call of ‘Rap Boy Rap!’ from that song about ‘you gave me sentimental roses but I put them in the bin’. Briefly this became a humorous way of saying hello - thus: ‘Hello, Billy’, ‘Rap Boy Rap!’ It was along the lines of that similar witticism ‘Hi George, meet my fiancé’ which was briefly popular if you happened to be called George. For a moment, back there in 1983, you could scarcely pop along to the bank without somebody shouting ‘Rap Boy Rap!’ at you from across the street. Then, strangely, it just – went away.

7. Although the LP ‘Quick Step and Side Kick’ was issued in a standard grey cardboard jacket, it’s follow up ‘Into The Gap’ was issued in a standard grey cardboard jacket – except this time it was blue.

8. Also the LP ‘Quick Step and Side Kick’ was simultaneously issued on cassette in a standard plastic see through case as was follow up LP ‘Into The Gap’ – but this boasted a black plastic cassette case far removed from the blandness of the clear plastic cassette case in order to boost sales.

9. It was quite common for the two nubbins holding the opening aperture of the ‘Quick Step and Side Kick’ cassette case to snap off causing intense irritation to the user – as he or she picked it up, the opening aperture would annoyingly fall onto the floor with a clatter and crack in two. This fault was rectified for subsequent release ‘Into The Gap’ by making the nubbins more robust and therefore alleviating the problem to the intense joy of the end user.

10. In the 1990s and beyond, both the vinyl and cassette releases were replaced by superior CD technology rendering the previous formats defunct and outmoded. Ironically, however, the nubbin problem was back with a vengeance which is why it is common to see dirty, cracked and broken jewel cases in charity shops, car boot sales and in the bottom of market suitcases of both albums. So much for technology, eh?

T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

VERDICT: BRILLIANTLY INVENTIVE!!!

SIDE ONE

"Love on Your Side" - 4:25

Basic premise- bloke complains that he does loads for this girl – sentimental roses; laughs in another room; locks her out while she rap boys rap.

There was a time you know.  when no one ever reads this blog. What is it all about?

Well, dear readers, it’s about what we’ve lost, what we sacrificed in the name of progress, what we willfully gave away; we drink to forget but we should remember – OK. 

Here we go. Rap boy rap!!! We like the alienation of synth music – it makes perfect sense to us – the irony is we used to dance to this and dancing is an activity that demands two - or three, But you got love on your side. I bought you sentimental roses. And all things you say make perfect sense to us.

"Lies" - 3:12

Basic premise- if you tell some lies they’ll go out and hurt you in fact ‘they’re gonna get you’ some of them in old Saigon.

Bit dodgy – you get this Chinless thing – should that be Chinese? Oh well – we got Lies Lies Lies – yeah – some WRITTEN in old Saigon – this is a good synthy dance track with a bouncy bouncy beat - interesting percussion, too, mixed down in the track. OH NO – our trousers fell down – is this bad? Yes, yes it is. We were dancing there and down they fell. Luckily nobody saw this happen.  Oh this is free – free thinking, free association – hey we’re outside the box on this one.

One thing that we used to love about these early 80s bands is the blend of politics with dance – in fact now we remember there was a song CALLED 'The Politics of Dancing'. WOAH! Cleopatra died for Egypt – what a waste of time…

"If You Were Here" - 2:55

Basic premise- a song that extols the virtue of watching Holiday programmes back in the eighties

Some nicked from old Saigon.  We love the synthesizers  of the old early 1980s. But the music and the lyrics on this song are a dichotomy, working against each other – the music urges pleasure, the lyrics urge dystopia – how were we so dysfunctional back then? Did we know? I think we did – I think, with us, we sort of knew that cataclysm was around the corner - they were difficult times.

"Judy Do" - 3:47

Basic premise- a girl called Judy will do something but the bloke isn’t quite sure what that is.

This is a pleasant tune of nothing inconsequential. In terms of the LPs structure it fills a gap between two other tracks and we're all bouncing along to it; Judy Do Judy don't. don't DO what - we never find out.  Reasonable, mid tempo pop.

By the way what happened to the RAP BOY RAP guy? 

"Tears" - 5:02

Basic premise- something to do with crying tears that can’t hide – not versed in hide and seeks most probably

The strident opening chords are a parley to war– and it is very apocalyptic, this tune – but then the chorus, it descends into banality – maybe that’s the problem with these synth bands – very hard to take seriously when they start like Doctor Who but develop into Coronation Street – not saying not a good tune, but over produced. And do they still have the ginger cat on the roof? And will there still be honey for tea?

SIDE TWO

"Watching" - 3:58

Basic premise- there’s girl who’s watching a boy watching the girl and they are looking left and right

One fantastic thing about vinyl is that you have to turn the record over. early record players had a system where you would stack them above the turntable and as the arm finished playing it would move back and the next record would drop onto the turntable - what a magical inventive lot we are when it comes to labour saving devices, eh?This is a terrific – but silly – tune – but terrific, this is a brilliantly inventive record  better than having nits in your eyebrows.  In any case – why would you want to have NITS in you eyebrows?

"We Are Detective" - 3:05

Basic premise- some people mooch about by the garden tree to avoid somebody following them

Well – this was a big hit – the trouble was that Alannah had no eyebrows to get nits IN - she shaved the off we recall. It all fell apart – it was all right her going on about 'Don’t mess  with Doctor Dream', but then what? This is a good record – we think of frightening things and the maracas. They don’t make records like this any more. Great percussion and wailing, screaming vocals - I suppose this is their defining moment.

"Kamikaze" - 3:55

Basic premise- a bloke goes la la la because he’s leaving and not coming back

We love this LP – it gets SO suicidal and violent! This track were born of its time – the despair of no future but encapsulated I the melody and the lyrics

No Sex, No Pain, No Broken Hearts 

"Love Lies Bleeding" - 2:49

Basic premise- a girl is not attracted or in love with a boy because of his terrible nose bleeds

Elton John used this title on his Magnus Opus ' Goodbye Yellow Brick Road'. Sometimes there's just nothing to say about a track which exists to fill up some time before we reach the end - this is perfuntory - it succeeds in its function - forgettable.

"All Fall Out" - 5:26

Basic premise- either nuclear war or a load of people arguing – take your pick.

'All Fall Out' descends from major to wailing minor - evoking apocalypse to a chugging rhythm with the synthesizers evoking the sirens of apocalypse. Although it motors along rhythmically it is a faintly disturbing tune - the pun on 'falling out' and 'fall out' which we were so preoccupied with back then due to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher's enmity towards the East. Cracking tune and a pleasingly downbeat way to end a splendid album.

BUT….Have we learnt ANYTHING tonight?

ANYTHING AT ALL?

We have learnt something tonight, darlings. If we can’t be bothered to write a minor apocalypse into a dance tune – then why the hell are we even alive? To be British is to be miserable - but with hope.

Go on – go on - - with hope in you hearts – but then - atishoo-  we all fall down.