U2 THE JOSHUA TREE

U

U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

JUMPING JACK FLASH, IT’S A CHRISTMAS GAS GAS GAS

It’s December again, Christmas just around the corner and, who knows, by the time you get around to reading this, you could be chewing on your stuffed bird with satisfaction and spitting out the gristle afterwards; oo er missus, yes indeed.

‘Start Me Up’ a doodle from the Rolling Stones that got lucky? And seventies Radio 1 DJs – eh? It’s like the whole world was having a party and they were the only ones invited. Enough, no more, it’s not so sweet as once it was before. So hang fire. Well hang fire. Top of the Pops taking on a whole new dimension.

Well fancy that, in the time since we last wrote to you, The Rolling Stones have turned fifty and sold out the O2 in Greenwich whilst still charging £1000 pounds a ticket – will those of you in the cheap seats clap and the rest of you just rattle your jewellery? Wot – no cheap seats? We would’ve made the trip but we weren’t up for being slaves, no matter how many times we were told to fill up the supermarket shelves or do it, do it, do it, do it, yeah.

Talking of slaves, those poor teachers have our sympathy again, the malcontents. We for two support their well observed campaign of civil disobedience and downright revolution, sisters as they decide to bring down the whole Tory Government and shake the country to its very foundations – akin to the rioters last summer, by – wait for this, kids – not going to some meetings after school and refusing to mark homework. It’s not exactly tits and ass is it? The bitch keeps bitching, the snitch keeps snitching.

Can you see them? Can you? Sitting in their smoke filled staff rooms around a brazier, sipping mugs of Value Coffee, moaning about the kids, grumbling about marking, like theirs was the only show in town. Then going home in their black limousines for their thirteen weeks holidays a year. Listen, dears, you make your own luck in this world; and you got to love your neighbours; is it any wonder that you fuss and fight – you could’ve been contenders, instead you watch the ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’ when you should be ticking those books, all day, all day, all day and all night.

We’re worried about you if you live in Blackburn Lancashire, there could be considerably more than three thousand holes when they start fracking for gas. Fracking. Sounds a bit rude. A bit like…well frapping, which is a very rude word indeed. Tops our list anyway. But just suppose, just suppose you were waiting on a friend, not waiting on a lady, there WAS an earthquake and we ended up in heaven, well there’d be no use in crying – it would be too late.

We guess we’ve just been Drunken Vinyled.

 AND NOW… a word from our sponsors tonight:

ASDA SMART PRICE LAGER

The lager of choice for all economy party goers!

#TopTip – take a four pack of these babies to a house party, leave them in the kitchen, then point in disgust at them later pretending it wasn’t you whilst you quaff some altogether more expensive beer!

U

U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

SETTING UP TIME

For those of you new to our aimless wanderings, Drunken Vinyls is the site where we relive those great VINYLS of yesteryear with you. We’re doing every record in history from A to Zed – or if you’re American, A to Zee – a massive 26 whole records!!

To join in the fun, all you need to do is nip down your nearest Asda, battle the throng of joyous masses fighting over the Value Alcohol, duff in any stragglers, justify yourself by yelling ‘The Deil Take The Hindmost!’ and you’ll be set up for an evening of hedonistic vinyl spinning!

Once set up, you can play along WITH US!! We drink one can of ‘Smart Price’ for every track as we review the record whilst marvelling at the incredible sound quality – and getting progressively more angry as the alcohol has no discernible effect whatsoever – but HEY – that’s Smart Price, for you; them’s the breaks.

There ARE rules – well of course there are rules, this is Britain, there are always rules in Britain.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS

1. Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
2. Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
3. Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
4. Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
5. Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live
6. Thou shalt get annoyed when you stupidly tune into TALKSPORT to listen in wonder to the endless fucking Wickes adverts and attempt to imitate the smug cockney that does them.

TWEET – O - FUN – O – RAMA!!

THIS WEEK’S VITAL TOP TWEETS

In our new regular feature for funsters we record the tweets that most affected us this week; the wittiest, most funny, world changing or just downright outrageous – read them here for FREE from the world’s most favourite social media platform TWITTER!

·        #nowplaying With myself, chiefly.

·        Thanks for the birthday msgs peeps!

·        Funny – I tweeted him same time as you!!” haha! #Twitteringmadness

·        Your love is my love my love is yours

·        That moment when: you’re in school and someone notices it’s snowing

·        Tonight’s telly, Boardwalk Empire, Fringe, American Horror. Nice.

·        Gangnam Style is Killing People

·        The holiday season is difficult for many. All we have in this life for sure is each other so reach out, care and be happy for what you have.

·        Finally Google Maps released to replace Apple Maps! Have you downloaded Google Maps?

·        For tracking packages, I recommend this app on the iPhone/iPad.

What a vital social platform Twitter really is – don’t miss Tweet-O-fun next week!!!

  

U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

U2 The Naked Truth

U2 are the most famous band ever to have left Ireland and have flown out of Dublin into the bigger world; a lot more famous than – say – other really famous bands like – erm – The Undertones or The Boomtown Rats. Oh yes, and Thin Lizzy, they were Irish too.

But:

Who were they?

Why did they call themselves U2?

Where did they spring from and where will they end?

Why is the lead singer called Bono (pronounced b-owe-n-owe)?

What was the secret of their appeal and success?

We would have liked to tell you the whole story but, quite frankly, we don’t like U2 and so we could not be bothered. Therefore, unlike other bands featured on this blog, we made up a completely invented and fictional account as told by an equally spurious and completely imaginary SuperFan called Mrs Edna D Fish. You’ll know it’s her because we use a different FONT to signify her illusory and fantastical presence. Oh and her stupidly florid use of language.

THE COMPLETELY TRUE HISTORY OF U2

Made Up By Mrs Edna D Fish

Why, hello there U2 fanatics!! If you want to know about U2 then COME and suck at my ancient teat of knowledge.

U2 arrived at the name U2 (hereafter referred to as U2 to avoid confusion) after experimenting and subsequently rejecting the names U1 and U3.

Why my little fricassees? Well, U1 made it seem as though anybody they were addressing had won something, and the enormous expense of giving them prizes was precluding a PROFIT. Imagine, if you will, a conversation between themselves and an A and R man like this:

“Why, young fellows, I was enormously impressed with your concert and would love to sign you up to Truncheon Records! What are you called?”

“U1.”

“Did I? That’s fantastic! What’s my prize?”

And that was only the beginning of some very entertaining squabbles that consequently ended up with the band ALMOST imploding and self destructing even prior to their first cuts, my little English turnips. Take this legendary row over their next attempted moniker, U3, my love puffs.

“Hey, The Edge, we’ll call ourselves U3, aye right.”

“Fuck off Bono there’s four of us.”

“Bastard.”

It was like that all the time at U2 towers, my lovely custard creams, take their album titles, now rightly famous and acclaimed icons of the pop world:

Famous BAND squabbles over U2 Album Titles

Resulting in FIST FIGHTS

Final Agreed Upon ALBUM Title	Bono’s Suggestion	The Edge’s Try	Swear Words Used in Ensuing Argument
BOY	TOY	LAD	‘Ponce’
OCTOBER	NOVEMBER	MUNTER	‘Shut up you cretin’
WAR	BAR	CRUMPLESTILTSKIN	‘What kind of stupid name is that, tosser?’
THE UNFORGETTABLE FIRE	THE UNFORGETTABLE TYRE	MY CREAMY HORN	‘Call me a tosser would, ye?’
THE JOSHUA TREE	THE JEREMY BICYCLE	LICK MY FAGGOTS	‘The bloody hurt, bastard, OW!’
RATTLE AND HUM	RATTLE AND HUMUS DIP	RATTLE AND DO ME UP THE BUM	‘Fuck, that was my eye!’
ACHTUNG, BABY!	DONNER KEBAB UND BLITZEN SAUCE!	SUCK MY PIPE, BABY!	‘You fucking bastard!’

So as you can see, it was not all fun and games in the very beginning. But it would be wrong of me to suggest that all U2 ever did was fight and kick each other in the nuts, my dumpling pumpkins. They were possessed of remarkable senses of humours as you can see from these jokes self-penned by Adam Clayton himself in the popular series of U2 Fun Sunday Books published by the Armada Green Dragon Imprint:

Liven up YOUR Christmas Party with:

Some GREAT jokes about U2

The MOST famous band EVER to come out or IRELAND!

1. Why did Bono fall of the stage? Because he stood to near to The Edge!
2. Why did Bono seem quite appetising to some dogs? Because his name sounds quite a bit like BONE.
3. When did Bono call home to ET (from that film from a few years back where some tosspot kids fly around on bicycles with naff, but convenient, baskets on the front called E.T. The Extra Terrestrial)? When ET said ‘ET bone home’. (And not phone home)
4. Why did Bono have a wife a bit like Yoko Ono out of John and Yoko? Because he could call her Bono Ono when he was feeling ‘a bit fruity’ and fancied a bit.
5. Why should you be wary of Bono if he was in a foreign place – say Russia or that Caribbean island out of ‘Live and Let Die’ with snakes and voodoo people on it? Because he might be James Bono 007 Licence to Kill.
6. What should you say to a committee of people who are debating a U2 related topic at post graduate level and you come to a knotty problem that might take the whole night to unpick about the relative merits of Magnus Opus ‘Rattle and Hum’? “Let’s pick the bonos out of this one.”

 U

U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

In it’s time, a truly awe inspiring and megatastic release, The Joshua Tree sold quite literally millions of records in 1987. But is it actually ANY GOOD?

Let’s find out, shall we as DeeVees present: The Joshua Tree as heard by DRUNKS. On vinyl. On drunken Christmas Eve. Crack those TUBES of ASDA SMART PRICE!

Side One

1.         "Where the Streets Have No Name"    

It starts off a bit crackly, hissy and splutters like a yule log coming out of the fire. But we guess that’s the state of the vinyl. A steady descending chord structure played on synthesiser and then the restrained arpeggios of the lead guitarist adding texture rather than riffs. Guitarist – sounds a bit like git-artist, doesn’t it? Throbbing bass. Oh yes, that’s throbbing like a good ‘un, throbbing like the red red robin. Bono always sounds a bit constipated but this is a good strong opener – a song about revelations. We seem to remember that dweeb synthpop artists Pet Shop Boys might have also covered this add added the chorus from Andy Williams’ Can’t Take my Eyes Off You’. An altogether better prospect BECAUSE it adds a much needed climax to the song which just – peters out. Not a bad opener, though.

2.         "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"            

We still haven’t found what we’re looking for – it’s always your keys, isn’t it? Or passport. Dreams of arriving naked in an airport with no passport JUST as the ferry is leaving.  Maybe that’s just us? This number is restrained and elegant – it lends itself to being sung by a gospel choir. Hymnal. Bono’s voice risings in the verse and the chorus is a simple couplet. It’s always welcome when an acoustic guitar adds shade to the music – and just so here, although this chugs along pleasantly, mid tempo. Something of a disappointment coming to this LP after the power pop of ‘Boy’ or ‘War’. Perhaps.

3.         "With or Without You"     

Still, it’s simply bound to get going now, we’re still waiting for a ‘New Year’s Day’ or an ‘In the Name of Love’ but no a very simple bass riff descends and the synthesiser counterpoints by rising gracefully upwards – Bono takes the middle with a horizontal melody. Lazy. Waking up in bed on a Sunday morning. ‘Through a storm we reach the shore’ but we’re still patient for an aural tempest. Oh this is good, sold bucket loads of 45s in the eighties – it is actually moving towards a crescendo – familiar and haunting.

4.         "Bullet the Blue Sky"       

We thank the LORD that Asda SmartPrice is having no effect whatsoever because the soporific music served up thus far would lull us gently to sleep, fellow Drunken Vinylers. What? Wait. Echoes, reverberations, sinister throbbing mid tempo bass – now we’re sitting up! It’s the howling wind and the stinging rain again. We can’t understand what this is about; answers to us at DeeVee Towers please. At least the form echoes the function – except if it IS a howling storm, why sky BLUE is?  How to describe this, plodding bass, textured guitar, horizontal melody, the drama is added by the pounding drums and slide guitar – not much else to say but it does its job as a mood piece. Good stuff.

5.                  "Running to Stand Still"        

This is sweet, a gentle ballad to begin but you sense it will BUILD into something else; imagery of the surreal: cry without weeping, scream without raising your voice. Bit angsty, though – was Bono upset one sports day at school? Did he not please his parents? Is that why his running amounted to the square root of bugger all? Nope – it didn’t actually build to something after all, just some harmonica.

Side Two

Have we been a little unkind to this iconoclastic record? We didn't mean to, it's just we expected something...a little more exciting, though. We'll drift. You hate it when we drift. Oh well here goes Side 2.

         

6.         "Red Hill Mining Town"   

This does make us laugh like a train, this one – but we can’t expect you to see the irony. Well, you see we live next to a mining town called RedRuth Mining Town – a bit like Red Hill, No? Oh well we can’t expect you to see the funny side, you most probably live in Cirencester or somewhere which is not a bit LIKE Red Hill. The bass on this one chugs along like the middle function section of ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd. Hmm. Next Please.

7.         "In God's Country"           

Cornwall is God’s Country, everyone knows that. Hang on this is a bit more up tempo – a melody as well, not bad this one – to be fair we approve; this is more like U2 and The Edge’s guitar is throbbing away as it should do – much better. Best track of the album; Bono doesn’t sound too strained and is actually uplifting ‘She is liberty and she comes to rescue me’ a fine couplet, that, we’re almost ecstatic. Instrumental break actually rather effective – but too short – Bono turns up again. It’s a long way from ‘Boy’ or ‘October’ and I doubt they’ll ever find their way back

8.         "Trip Through Your Wires" 

A swing beat with a four square rhythm, you could march to this or wave your lighters in the air perhaps? Not much else to record, it plods along harmlessly and pleasantly with some nice Dylan harmonica. What’s all this with angels, though? Appropriate on Christmas Eve we suppose. Are we missing a trick? Why is this LP considered to be such an all out classic? Maybe we’ve been spoiled with more adventurous music latterly. One of us thinks he can detect some finger picking banjo. Woo-hoo.

9.         "One Tree Hill"       

Ah the pan pies. Now you’re talking. There was a sub genre of ambient music in the early nineties that involved pan pipes and native ethnic singers. It was fucking terrible. Kicked off by that ‘Sadeness Part 2’ by Enigma. Part 2? We would have hated to hear Part 1. Oh dear, this one seems to have drifted past without making any impression at all; bugger well have to start it again. Rivers, storms, sea, angels – what a load of cobblers. NO. Come on, we can pull this together, towards the end, the Bono-meister is shrieking as though he’s speaking in tongues. Or Tongue. He could be in the township of Tongue, North West Scotland. In fact Bono has often affected a desire to visit the township of Tongue or as he has often put it himself. The Tongueship.

10.       "Exit"            

This is an ethereal number, hardly there at all, bloody howling wind again, hail in the night – does Bono WANT a career as a weather presenter for Christ’s sake? Wait just a cotton picking moment – it builds into something, almost heavy in places. Farts around a bit. Then goes again. Sorry, a bit forgettable, wants desperately to be epic but ends up a bit ‘Hey Hey Helen’ off Abba, the 1975 set.

11.       "Mothers of the Disappeared" 

 

Grisly and gruesome throbbing guitars, the synth adding some melody, this uses that now very familiar trick that this LP has of building towards something from a whisper to something corporeal. After the last song something of a pleasure to hear a melody that reaches and attempts an emotional connection – all the instruments build towards a crescendo, playing together like the last act of Tubular Bells ‘And INTRODUCING – TUBULAR BELLS!'

VERDICT: Well it's a classic and who are we to disagree - we can't help feeling that there were some enjoyable segmets, but as a whole it is a bit to repetitive and certainly obsessed with the weather - well apt we suppose as we look out of our window. What do you think?

BUT….Have we learnt ANYTHING tonight?

ANYTHING AT ALL?

Yes we have. It’s Christmas and stupidly we put on TalkSport today because Radio 5 were doing a dopey phone in about ‘Is it right to buy stuff online on Christmas Day?’ as a ‘Your Call’ phone in. This wasn’t just scraping the barrel it was tackling the barnacles underneath the bloody thing. Never mind. An off day. So we switched to TalkSport – only to listen – in disgust to the PROMISE of some exciting Alex Ferguson football banter about how someone was nearly killed by a ball in the face or something – but what did we get? I’ll tell you what. Bloody WICKES, that’s what.

No matter how poor Radio 5 is, TalkSport can always do worse. It’s got their name on it.

THOMPSON TWINS Quick Step AND Side Kick!

T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

AND THIS MONTH’S PLEBS ARE…

The Plebeians were the lower classes from ancient Rome as any fule no; nicknamed the ‘Plebs’ a perfectly innocent appellation when the Romans ruled the modern world two thousand years ago: ‘look mummy, there’s a pleb,’ you might naively say whilst pointing in some poor peasant’s general direction on the way back from the forum. Nowadays if you are stupid to call somebody a pleb it’s akin to saying MUNTER:  call someone by that name, you might expect some sort of come back and Government chief whip Andrew Mitchell found himself in all sorts of bother for doing just that – well so it is reported.

We know the power of name calling – we stood outside pensioners’ favourite fashion boutique ‘Bon Marche’ yesterday and insulted those formidable carriers of the grey pound as they attempted to inoffensively shop in the establishment. ‘You Plebs!” we screamed “You don’t own this country you know!” Then we widened out our impertinence to include the words ‘scrotal sacs’ and ‘turd burglars’. We thought we would hurl abuse at postmen by calling them ‘scrotal sac wielders’ but, before long, there was a jam of ‘shop-mobility’ electric car things, and those push along baskets with bicycle brakes, so beloved of our pensioners, a jam that reached apocalyptic proportions – so we sneaked Sally down the back alley.

Licking our wounds. Never again.

Hey You! It’s been a few weeks, but we’re back again, resurrecting those old vinyls, that, like our army of good time market oldsters smell a bit suspect on occasion but we love them nonetheless. This time we’ve reached the letter T and that means The Thompson Twins! Why do it? Why do it mean that and who do it mean? Oh we don’t know. The shadows lengthen, the end gets closer

But NOW a word from our sponsors tonight:

SO NOW!

YOUR FAVOURITE MOMENT AND OURS

WE REVEAL

OUR SPONSORS TONIGHT!!

 Glens Vodka

Cooler than a Highland Steam

Scotland’s FAVOURITE tipple

“It’s not Glen’s it’s Mine!!”

T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

SETTING UP TIME

For those of you new to our aimless wanderings, Drunken Vinyls is the site where we relive those great VINYLS of yesteryear with you. We’re doing every record in history from A to Zed – or if you’re American, A to Zee – a massive 26 whole records!!

To join in the fun, all you need to do is nip up your nearest Scottish mountain, find Glen, call him a fucking pleb that doesn’t run the country (you know), duff him in or even kill him should the moment take you so to do, steal his Vodka, whip round to your nearest record player retailer – you know, ‘Radiofusion’ or ‘TV Rentals’ they’ll probably have one – buy a Dansette portable, hunt around for a copy of tonight’s vinyl in any good charity shop bargain bin and – cowabunga – you’re there!

Once set up, you can play along WITH US!! We drink one shot of vodka for every track as we review the record whilst marvelling at the incredible sound quality – and getting progressively more drunkenly stupid as we go. We’ll tell you when to put the stylus on the track, drink and everything else you’ll need to know! It’s a doddle!

There are rules – well of course there are rules, this is Britain, there are always rules in Britain.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS

1. Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
2. Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
3. Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
4. Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
5. Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live
6. Thou shalt get annoyed when ALL the weekend football fixtures are suspended to allow England to play meaningless crap teams like San Marino, even if they do spang them five nil and Jonjo Shelvey gets to play.

Since we last wrote our bafflegab to you, a lot of really important things have happened worth noting:

• Great Britain is still in a recession.
• Politicians are wringing their hands and saying things of great import.
• The prices of virtually everything has risen astronomically for no good reason.
• Great Britain is still cash strapped.
• Everything costs a lot more than it did last month but there has been no improvement in the products or services. It’s like that perpetual sale at your local pine furniture warehouse – have you noticed?? They’ve always got a bloody closing down sale there OR that like lying label that says ‘NEW RECIPE’ to justify shanking you by putting 30 pence on your daily loaf of white sliced bread. How many sodding new recipes can there BE for bread for CHRIST’S sake?
• Our pay has been frozen for three years
• The Government ripped off all school leavers by causing loads of them to fail their GCSEs because they were feeling a bit frivolous that morning.
• Andy Murray won his first Grand Slam.
• Have you noticed the price of everything keeps going up?
• Great Britain is still in a recession after five sodding years.

Still, never fear, dear readers; because it’s PARTY CONFERENCE SEASON – and all will be well, all will be fine. That’s when your politicians go on a BEANO to the coast, sit in big rooms and bicker about nothing in something particular. Then they most probably get pissed and shag each other if they’re remotely human, that’s what always happens when we go to hotels on the coast.

How our brave LEADERS entertained us and tickled our funny bone – Ed Rubberband spoke for an hour with virtually no notes! The bleeding hero! The wag! And the REALLY GREAT thing was he said absolutely nothing of any importance, nada, zip, diddley-squat pizzant swamp: – nevertheless it got rave reviews in the press, though – imagine it a man standing on stage and talking unscripted bollocks for an hour – who would have thought it.

This meant the others had to up their game in terms of speaking. Sure enough Nick ‘I agree with Nick’ Clegg stood forward to be counted with all the solutions to Britain’s endless problems and terminal decline, which was: – the gift of laughter. Buoyed with success after his great joke to Ex French leader President Sarkozy about giving him ‘Mint Cake’ he was an unstoppable mirth machine with this gem of wit. Talking about environmental issues he spoke thus:

“And in order to get GREEN, you have to add YELLOW to BLUE.”

We nearly pissed ourselves here at Drunken Towers when we heard it. And then, as the laughter subsided, we were humbled and awed by the sheer wisdom of the words; the crepuscular peace of being in the presence of such sagacity descended upon us. It settled. For a moment. Then left.

We’re not going to bother with David Cameron because we can never remember a word he says. Can you? But we were left – thinking.

With all this Clegg based mirth around, there was one burning question – just who is the funniest Clegg?

AND NOW: 

Drum Roll Please As….

DRUNKEN VINYLS PRESENTS

OUR NEW MONTHLY REGULAR FEATURE:

WRITE YOUR OWN TELEVISION SHOW!

A cash strapped Britain special

STRAPPED FOR CASH?

IS YOUR PAY MORE FROZEN THAN THE CANADIAN TUNDRA?

DO YOU MARVEL AT HOW EVERYTHING GOES UP IN PRICE EXCEPT YOUR PAY?

IS YOUR PAY PACKET AN INFLATION FREE ZONE?

Then make literally MILLIONS of POUNDS by WRITING FOR TELEVISION!!

Use our handy CUT-OUT-AND-KEEP guide book to becoming a legendary writer for that box in the corner!

Chapter 1

Checking Out the Competition

Ask yourselves how difficulty can it be? Television these days is literally crap; a shitfest of the highest order.

So what are you up against? A recent survey of television showed that most programmes involved:

• Some scampering gimps dressed in plastic Michelin tyre style straight jackets dodging spinning rubber machines that smash people into a local municipal swimming pool that’s been renamed the ‘Rapids of Doom’ while a presenter gushes about *gosh* that was a close shave and *swoon* how much effort it takes to avoid the wobbly rubber see-saw.

• Four appalling celebrity goons who gurn and fart endlessly at some poor hapless turds from the sticks that sing karaoke badly, proclaiming that they’ve got what it takes to make a hit record, whilst everyone else points and laughs at them. Then they get their tits out in the newspapers, get pissed in nightclubs or pretend they’ve fallen out ‘big time’ with each other if there’s a ratings slump or the acts’ mawkish and banal covers of ‘The Lady in Red’ are not pathetic enough for the public to be sufficiently entertained.

• Some over-emoting THESPS dressed up in period costumes sitting around in horse drawn carriages and clipping servants round the ear or booting them up the backside whilst attempting to shag somebody’s brains out.

• Three sodding hours of a load of celebrities of the calibre of Keith Chegwin dancing around in stupid dresses with one fat ugly bloke who was vaguely famous for doing the horoscopes on ‘Breakfast Time’ twenty years ago being shot out of a phallic cannon to the strains off ‘Mack the Knife’

• Some weedy twats pretending to be King Arthur and the round table.

• The Eurovision Song Contest

• A load of gor-blimey two bit tossers pretending that they’re from: a) London b) Manchester or c) A made up place in the countryside. They are prone to being hit by maniacal helicopters, trams or tube trains, bickering endlessly in crap accents that ‘Ian from the sandwich shop gave me food poisoning’ or ‘The vicar’s gay’ or ‘Er down the laundry is a slapper and no mistake, Guvnor’. Sometimes they all get chucked in a swimming pool for the week and are forced to tread water at gunpoint every time you see them.

So, how difficult can it be? Don’t delay! Get your pen out! For you, Tommy, the recession is over!

Next Week: Chapter 2

BOILING UP!!

The Ingredients of the Successful Television Show!

Don’t miss it!

T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

TEN FACTS ABOUT THE THOMPSON TWINS’ LP

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

Who were the Thompson Twins? Now there’s a question. A band that time forgot despite their numerous hit records and appearances on ‘Top of the Pops’. Some people mutter mutinously that they weren’t even twins and they were inspired by ‘The Adventures of TinTin’. As ever, the truth is a lot more banal, but in that ordinariness lies something great, difficult to define or pin down. The kernel of truth lies, as ever, between the lines. These ten facts could tell you or explain something of the mystery that is – The Thompson Twins.

1. The Thompson Twins were never associated with the drink ‘Sunny D’. They never endorsed the drink nor did they urge their fans to drink enormous quantities of it and go orange. Allegedly.

2. It is not pleasant or sexy to kiss a Thompson Twins fan with bits of the Spanish sausage called ‘Chorizo’ in between your teeth – in fact it is quite revolting – also it poses dilemmas for vegetarian Thompson Twins lotharios.

3. Tom Bailey, out of The Thompson Twins, did not lend his name to ‘Baileys Irish Cream Liqueur. We feel this is a shame. It would have been fitting, if he had, to have drunk Bailey’s Irish Cream Liqueur during the review of the record if he had. But he didn’t so we won’t.

4. Alannah Currie, out of pop group The Thompson Twins is not, or never has been in any way, related to Conservative politician Edwina Currie and would never pose topless with nothing but fried eggs to cover her modesty. Or cause a scandal about eggs, salmonella and beef burgers.

5. It is rumoured that if you play the track ‘All Fall Down’ on Side 2 backwards, one of the Thompson Twins can be heard muttering ‘Hazelnut Yoghurt, Turn Me On, Turn Me On’ which is one of the reasons why this popular snack was banned and withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the late 1990s . Well that and the fact that nobody really liked it very much and preferred peach melba.

6. Although nobody remembers who the OTHER Thompson Twin was (there was Tom Bailey and some bird with no eyebrows), they all remember his clarion call of ‘Rap Boy Rap!’ from that song about ‘you gave me sentimental roses but I put them in the bin’. Briefly this became a humorous way of saying hello - thus: ‘Hello, Billy’, ‘Rap Boy Rap!’ It was along the lines of that similar witticism ‘Hi George, meet my fiancé’ which was briefly popular if you happened to be called George. For a moment, back there in 1983, you could scarcely pop along to the bank without somebody shouting ‘Rap Boy Rap!’ at you from across the street. Then, strangely, it just – went away.

7. Although the LP ‘Quick Step and Side Kick’ was issued in a standard grey cardboard jacket, it’s follow up ‘Into The Gap’ was issued in a standard grey cardboard jacket – except this time it was blue.

8. Also the LP ‘Quick Step and Side Kick’ was simultaneously issued on cassette in a standard plastic see through case as was follow up LP ‘Into The Gap’ – but this boasted a black plastic cassette case far removed from the blandness of the clear plastic cassette case in order to boost sales.

9. It was quite common for the two nubbins holding the opening aperture of the ‘Quick Step and Side Kick’ cassette case to snap off causing intense irritation to the user – as he or she picked it up, the opening aperture would annoyingly fall onto the floor with a clatter and crack in two. This fault was rectified for subsequent release ‘Into The Gap’ by making the nubbins more robust and therefore alleviating the problem to the intense joy of the end user.

10. In the 1990s and beyond, both the vinyl and cassette releases were replaced by superior CD technology rendering the previous formats defunct and outmoded. Ironically, however, the nubbin problem was back with a vengeance which is why it is common to see dirty, cracked and broken jewel cases in charity shops, car boot sales and in the bottom of market suitcases of both albums. So much for technology, eh?

T

THE THOMPSON TWINS

QUICK STEP AND SIDE KICK

VERDICT: BRILLIANTLY INVENTIVE!!!

SIDE ONE

"Love on Your Side" - 4:25

Basic premise- bloke complains that he does loads for this girl – sentimental roses; laughs in another room; locks her out while she rap boys rap.

There was a time you know.  when no one ever reads this blog. What is it all about?

Well, dear readers, it’s about what we’ve lost, what we sacrificed in the name of progress, what we willfully gave away; we drink to forget but we should remember – OK. 

Here we go. Rap boy rap!!! We like the alienation of synth music – it makes perfect sense to us – the irony is we used to dance to this and dancing is an activity that demands two - or three, But you got love on your side. I bought you sentimental roses. And all things you say make perfect sense to us.

"Lies" - 3:12

Basic premise- if you tell some lies they’ll go out and hurt you in fact ‘they’re gonna get you’ some of them in old Saigon.

Bit dodgy – you get this Chinless thing – should that be Chinese? Oh well – we got Lies Lies Lies – yeah – some WRITTEN in old Saigon – this is a good synthy dance track with a bouncy bouncy beat - interesting percussion, too, mixed down in the track. OH NO – our trousers fell down – is this bad? Yes, yes it is. We were dancing there and down they fell. Luckily nobody saw this happen.  Oh this is free – free thinking, free association – hey we’re outside the box on this one.

One thing that we used to love about these early 80s bands is the blend of politics with dance – in fact now we remember there was a song CALLED 'The Politics of Dancing'. WOAH! Cleopatra died for Egypt – what a waste of time…

"If You Were Here" - 2:55

Basic premise- a song that extols the virtue of watching Holiday programmes back in the eighties

Some nicked from old Saigon.  We love the synthesizers  of the old early 1980s. But the music and the lyrics on this song are a dichotomy, working against each other – the music urges pleasure, the lyrics urge dystopia – how were we so dysfunctional back then? Did we know? I think we did – I think, with us, we sort of knew that cataclysm was around the corner - they were difficult times.

"Judy Do" - 3:47

Basic premise- a girl called Judy will do something but the bloke isn’t quite sure what that is.

This is a pleasant tune of nothing inconsequential. In terms of the LPs structure it fills a gap between two other tracks and we're all bouncing along to it; Judy Do Judy don't. don't DO what - we never find out.  Reasonable, mid tempo pop.

By the way what happened to the RAP BOY RAP guy? 

"Tears" - 5:02

Basic premise- something to do with crying tears that can’t hide – not versed in hide and seeks most probably

The strident opening chords are a parley to war– and it is very apocalyptic, this tune – but then the chorus, it descends into banality – maybe that’s the problem with these synth bands – very hard to take seriously when they start like Doctor Who but develop into Coronation Street – not saying not a good tune, but over produced. And do they still have the ginger cat on the roof? And will there still be honey for tea?

SIDE TWO

"Watching" - 3:58

Basic premise- there’s girl who’s watching a boy watching the girl and they are looking left and right

One fantastic thing about vinyl is that you have to turn the record over. early record players had a system where you would stack them above the turntable and as the arm finished playing it would move back and the next record would drop onto the turntable - what a magical inventive lot we are when it comes to labour saving devices, eh?This is a terrific – but silly – tune – but terrific, this is a brilliantly inventive record  better than having nits in your eyebrows.  In any case – why would you want to have NITS in you eyebrows?

"We Are Detective" - 3:05

Basic premise- some people mooch about by the garden tree to avoid somebody following them

Well – this was a big hit – the trouble was that Alannah had no eyebrows to get nits IN - she shaved the off we recall. It all fell apart – it was all right her going on about 'Don’t mess  with Doctor Dream', but then what? This is a good record – we think of frightening things and the maracas. They don’t make records like this any more. Great percussion and wailing, screaming vocals - I suppose this is their defining moment.

"Kamikaze" - 3:55

Basic premise- a bloke goes la la la because he’s leaving and not coming back

We love this LP – it gets SO suicidal and violent! This track were born of its time – the despair of no future but encapsulated I the melody and the lyrics

No Sex, No Pain, No Broken Hearts 

"Love Lies Bleeding" - 2:49

Basic premise- a girl is not attracted or in love with a boy because of his terrible nose bleeds

Elton John used this title on his Magnus Opus ' Goodbye Yellow Brick Road'. Sometimes there's just nothing to say about a track which exists to fill up some time before we reach the end - this is perfuntory - it succeeds in its function - forgettable.

"All Fall Out" - 5:26

Basic premise- either nuclear war or a load of people arguing – take your pick.

'All Fall Out' descends from major to wailing minor - evoking apocalypse to a chugging rhythm with the synthesizers evoking the sirens of apocalypse. Although it motors along rhythmically it is a faintly disturbing tune - the pun on 'falling out' and 'fall out' which we were so preoccupied with back then due to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher's enmity towards the East. Cracking tune and a pleasingly downbeat way to end a splendid album.

BUT….Have we learnt ANYTHING tonight?

ANYTHING AT ALL?

We have learnt something tonight, darlings. If we can’t be bothered to write a minor apocalypse into a dance tune – then why the hell are we even alive? To be British is to be miserable - but with hope.

Go on – go on - - with hope in you hearts – but then - atishoo-  we all fall down.