You have inadvertently stumbled upon the most important scientific study known to man since Darwin
This is our serious scientific attempt to review all vinyl releases in the world ever since 1955, starting at A and ending at Z. This is an experiment in sound, a sonic adventure and the findings should only be read by those amongst you who are ready to have the very world around you rocked to its very core.
Our rules are very simple. The record must be on vinyl as the artist intended. No IPODS are welcome here, no downloads, no mobile phone accoutrements, no falseness in any way. All we have is a seriously good sound system and some black plastic circles.
Our fervent hope, as we write this, is that we will leave a lasting ‘record’ of how music was meant to be heard so that future generations; those who come after us, might read this footprint as a true document of life, as it was, in the early 21st Century.
Our only concession or compromise, if you like, to the download generation, is that our reviews are tempered (in order that we might avoid accusations of pretentiousness, or being phoney) in that the survey must take place on a Friday – or any other suitable day of the week except Tuesdays - we hate Tuesdays – and furthermore that we must drink a can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per each track reviewed. This, we feel, will lend true veracity to our appreciation of the music as it was truly meant to be.
And we might not start at A.
ABACAB by GENESIS
SIDE 1
THE VERY FIRST RECORD EVER! (Possibly)
THE VERY FIRST RECORD EVER! (Possibly)
The thing is that Abacab has an A – so what better place to start.
Well anyway, have to admit I have had a couple of sherberts before reviewing this one. Finished off some really nasty penis colada. When I was at school there was this scare about the Colorado beetle and if you found one in your mash potatoes you were supposed to ring the Colorado
Anyway, I’m just putting the needle on now.
Track 1
There was a couple of crackles but nothing drastic. Then this loud WHOOSH and Na na na na.
Before you know it Phil’s adenoidal voice has started going on about 'is he to blame?' Well I think he is to blame for some truly nasty records like ‘One More Night’, actually. Abacab doesn’t really care. Well I do, because One More Night was dismal. It’s an illusion you say? I don’t think so because I’m telling you I got the 45 and it’s an effing dirge, mate. There’s a hole in there somewhere – quite right, it’s at the centre of the record.
This first track doesn’t actually end, it just sort of goes on. The drums are pounding away quite nicely, it’s percussive aimless noodling.
Track 2
Quick snifter and we’re up for the second track. I’ve got an appointment with the bank tomorrow. That skipped. I’m telling you that was a definite skip. I’m starting that again. No, it’s alright, a bit of fluff on the needle. Don’t think I’m gonna make the bank. The chord progression goes major to minor. Some parpy brass from them horny Earth Wind and Fire parpers. Tell you what, the lyrics are totally meaningless – be with me, you’ll never be with me – what’s that about? No wonder there’s no reply at all. No this one’s a bit dull. Getting ADHD tendencies – I’d mix out of this if I had the other deck set up. Parp. Parp. Parp. No reply. Parp de parp. Is anybody listening?
Well not me, obviously.
Well not me, obviously.
Track 3
I’ll tell you a better Genesis record than this. Duke. Wish I was listening to that one. Hang on – I’m starting to like this. Oh this is cathartic – nice – like this. Reminds me of that spine tingling track ‘Down And Out’ off 'Then There Were Three'. Me and Sarah Jane. Yes – that was Doctor Who’s girlfriend. She was very spunky. A sort of women's libber with the figure.
Track 3 reprise
And there was that bit in the TARDIS where the Doctor drops her off in Croydon. ‘Don’t you forget me!’ He smiles, enigmatically. There’s a bit of reggae in this track – just noticed it with the better half of my ear. I turned it up louder – no, this one’s great. Why do they walk along the shore in silence, though? I’d most probably pick up a couple of shells or throw a football, if it were me.
Track 4
WOW! This one’s great. The drums just pound right in – I tell you what it’s crystal clear too – the drums are over hear on the left channel – the synths are right over there and it’s rhythmically challenging. Oh, Phil, RIDE that high hat! He learnt that from Ringo! This one’s going on again. And the Sarah Jane one, too. This is worth the price of the admission alone. Back to Sarah Jane.
Track 4 reprise
Oh yes – the booze's kicking in now. Those drums are sounding pretty damn good – they bring a smile to the face – a smile, a wry smile. So they let him go again. I bet you don’t get this sound from downloads and docking stations. Docking stations? In my day that was something what you put on nettle stings. Good old Sarah Jane. I think we’re going to miss her you know. Sarah Jane leaves. Dock leaves.
SIDE TWO
Track 1
Bloody hell. 33 new tweets whilst I've been composing? Don’t people have something better to do? Oh this track is shitty shit shit. No melody, grim minor keys – urgh. Can we go back – no! We must forge ahead, my dears. Whilst this track plods on – review those tweets: Boy George – four – I WISH he’d stop pestering me, no George, I say, keep away from me. Hi George meet my fiancee. I keep looking at the vinyl for hope of a conclusion but it ain’t good news – still plenty to go, I’m afraid. Oh Genesis. Oh Woman. Oh Why? This is ‘One More Night’ all over again. Oh there's lovely. It just faded away like the Beatles on Hey Jude.
Track 2
Aaargh! On my gravy! EFFING CRAP! That's sh*t that is! Pon my soul! 'Was it me, was it A or B or she or me? We know, we know, we know…' And not helped by the lack of a tune. What were they thinking?
Track 3
This LP has now almost ground to a halt – how can I describe this one? Well it’s a synthy thing – lonely man on a corner, nobody knows what he’s waiting for, nobody cares. Didn’t Lennon write this? But WITH a tune?!!!!! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Track 4
We’re a very long way from anywhere now, dear reader. A long time since the heights of ‘Sarah Jane’ or ‘Keep it Dark’. Still let’s keep believing. And what do you know? A drum roll and the first appearance of a melody on this side of the LP. There is still a chance to hold on to her love. I think the needle’s getting clogged up now, but the finishing post is in sight. No this one ain’t much cop. Phil gave her everything he had, you see, and I think that includes his inspiration for Side Two of Abacab. We’re back in ‘One More Night’ territory. I don’t think, at the age of 50, that I’ll ever play this side of Abacab ever again. A sobering though – therefore I’ll have another vodka and think about Sarah Jane’s tits. We’ll do a better one next week. I promise. Let me know. I quite fancy Andrew Gold. No? Oh, all right, ‘Rio ’ by Duran Duran, then.
Track 5
Bugger this one just started with no fanfare at all, never mind no reply at all. Okay – here’s hoping. And it skipped, too. Oh dear. Another dire track. Side two turned out to be the gravy underneath the plate. So sorry. Such high hopes.
So, in the end, what have we discovered this week? I’m a bit drunk, I’ve said it – I’ll put the punctuation in tomorrow but I’ll tell you something for nothing – at this rate it’ll be a bloody long way to the end of the alphabet. Thanks Phil for kicking us off.
Another classic next week?
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