V
Is for
VISAGE
By VISAGE
HAPPY NEW YEAR, HAPPY NEW
YEAR!
At about this
time, back in 2012, we employed Roman God Janus to spread the glad tidings and
usher in the New Year – with a shout, Jerusalem
So, damn your
eyes, we soldier on – this month we’re at the letter V in our quest to review
all vinyl records known to man – 26 in total! Good God! V is for Vinyl, you
know? Has it been so long? Have 22 months passes away – and only four left
after this? Then truly this is the Winter of Drunken Vinyls, the finishing
straits are being reached.
You might think,
looking at the title of this month’s entry – ho hum, Visage, that weird bloke
from the eighties with his cheaply made and pretentious MTV videos, friend to
none, alien to many. Well it was him or Susanne bloody Vega, we tell you. How
many groups begin with V, eh? Not many.
The Veatles? Eric Vlapton? The Volling Vones?
Vanfred Vann? The Vice Girls?
Actually we did
look for The Vice Girls hoping for a bit of cheap titillation – or even tits –
but the results were inconclusive. All we turned up were some very rude
pictures indeed and images of ancient BBC Radio 1 Ex Personnel for some reason.
We just
remembered The Verve. Bugger. Still too late now, Steve Strange and up the old Camden Palace
2012 – What a
year that was! Did you know that the average person spends two weeks of their
life looking for the television remote control, did you? Thought not AND it
wouldn’t be us either because we hate remote controls, I-Phones, Downloads,
those wretched talking maps on car dashboards that talk like Annie Lennox and
order you to drive up the most obscure routes ever. We also hate the dudes from
BT Vision and their wank Halloween party where the DJ on her crap laptop can’t
play any tunes – you see. YOU SEE? If they’d had turntables and vinyl that
advert wouldn’t even EXIST!!! It’s taken us two years to be proved right, but
right we were proved – TAKE THAT BT
Vision crew and stick it up your broadband stream you cretins!
And here’s ONE
IN THE EYE for you, too, you snappy, happy, clicky, laptop bastards.
Ah. MOVING ON…
AND NOW… a
word from our sponsors tonight:
We’ve been
up the hill to LIDL again
For one of
our ESPECIAL Friends
“For WHEN a
LIDL is NEVER ENOUGH!!!”
Please use responsibly
as 20 bottles can cause severe bloating to the abdomen
AND NOW DRUNKEN VINYLS
PRESENTS
REVIEW OF 2012!!
Here is our
honest appraisal of all that it was to be BRITISH last year.
·
In Pictures!
·
With Captions!
·
In Glorious
SurroundGraphics!
·
For Those Hard of Reading
Hurray! We’ve still got the
recession. Isn’t austerity Britain
For those people who didn’t
understand what Double Dip recession was and assumed it was a new flavour of
ice cream, they soon found out.
In other news, most telly
made in Britain
April to June 2012
Fantastic news for cash
strapped Britain – it’s
still the recession but – lo, what strange beast doth slouch its way towards
the Thames ? In a massive water pageant, ill
covered by your BBC, who squeaked and squawked their way through proceedings by
pointing out that ‘there’s another boat’ and ‘gosh it’s raining hard isn’t
it?’ followed by ‘look another boat’, some very
grumpy old people scowled and sneered at waving crowds. They were later
discovered to be the Royal Family in packamacs.
The same miserable family
attended a crap pop concert in some Palace or other. To be honest it really was
poor fare. Famous Progressive Rock Band “Now!” were a no-show. You could see
why they were so angry.
Telly was pretty crap during
these months with a trend towards utter bilge on Sundays where midwifery
abounded.
Oh and the Olympic Torch
landed in Cornwall
July to September 2012
In some really great news,
the Government revealed that economic growth was still fucking awful. There was
a general wailing and gnashing of teeth and much ripping of clothes became the
norm as Britain was still in recession, unemployment continued and nobody dared
mention the words ‘David Cameron’s Big Society’
But never fear: it’s the
Olympics and we aimed a death like rictus style grin and split our sides at the
sight of Mr. Bean playing a synthesiser with one finger whilst James Bond
dragged the same miserable woman from the pop concert in the palace out of a
helicopter and threw her towards the arena.
Hands up all of you that
enjoyed synchronised swimming, the dancing horses and Tae Kwon Do? Practically
none of you.
Andy Murray blubbed like a
girl at Wimbledon , the big Jessie. There were
the EUROS but no one cared because Stuart Pearce had picked Football Team GB
and wilfully left out David Beckham in a fit of jealous pique.
Oh and some Radio 1 DJs from
the seventies were extremely naughty indeed. It appears. We cannot be sure.
Yet. Did you see that film ‘The Boat That Rocked?’
Television was really crap –
there was a small Doctor Who oasis and then some weedy twats pretending to be
King Arthur whilst some celebrities danced around a bit.
Even MORE terrifically, Britain is STILL cash strapped and the politicos
are still bonkers with their bickering – fiddling while Rome
She needn’t have bothered.
On both fronts. Like we say crap telly
designed to make you listen to the radio ever more often.
The wettest, most depressing
year on record. Those are the facts.
But Now…
It’s Over to TWITTER…
FOR
THE KNOWLEDGE!
Or
ACCUMULATED WISDOM
FROM THE WORLD’S TWITTERATI
In our nearly
new vital regular spot from the world of social media, we record the WORLD’S
WISDOM for posterity – we invite you to drink from the fountain of knowledge
that is – TWITTER!
FACT: It's took Demba
Ba 65 minutes to score his first two goals for Chelsea
Sticking my hand down
the front of my pants and pulling out a bourbon flask, is always a crowd
pleaser.
Peeling an orange is
too much work.
I remember where I was
the first time I heard "There once was a man from Nantucket ..."
Like they say, the classics never die.
Got another knitted
dress you can never have too many
I know we moan about
the British weather but certainly wouldn't want the heat of Tasmania
My iguana can't have
sex anymore. He's got a reptile dysfunction.
For those of you who missed it: da da, da da, da da, da da, da da da da
da daaaa, da da da da da daaaaaa, da da da da da daaaa.
That last tweet is a
lot funnier than it might seem if you read it out loud (or even silently) so
just go ahead and laugh at it either way.
There is no horror
film that exceeds the feeling of touching your pocket and not feeling your
cellphone.
Is for
VISAGE
By VISAGE
VISAGE: OUR
WITLESS GUIDE TO BEING A NEW ROMANTIC
Oh – the New Romantics. What
was that about, eh? Who can say? Some kids dressing up like Glam Rockers from
the seventies but with more black eyeliner and ruffled shirts, dancing to
electro pop.
One thing’s for sure, Steve
Strange was at the forefront of the movement along with other Alumni like that
bloke from Spandau Ballet out of Eastenders and some other well known people
too.
Steve Strange, lead singer
and mastermind behind one hit wonders ‘Visage’, tonight’s record of review, had
an interesting life which changed irrevocably once he discovered how to play a
Rolf Harris Stylophone, David Bowie and his mum’s make up box.
What is less well known was his
career, prior to pop superstardom, was in TELEVISION where he was the driving
force behind a genre of television shows about the paranormal – strange
unearthly happenings taking place in your own backyard. These shows reached a
peak of popularity with ‘Arthur C Clarke’s Mysterious Worlds’ and ‘Derek
Acorah’s Most Haunted’.
But the precursor of all
these was hosted by none other than our main man tonight, as an exciting
segment of UK
It’s Name?
STEVE’S STRANGE WAYS
We now present a typical EXTRACT and
apologise for the dated seventies effects. Sorry.
- Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
- Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
- Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
- Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
- Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live
- Thou shalt swear LOUDLY and FREQUENTLY on TWITTER (or any other social networking site) when Charlton Athletic get knocked out of the FA CUP at the first time of asking. This swearing shalt occur on an annual basis in January.
V
Is for
VISAGE
By VISAGE
Side One
1. "Visage"
What was it like to be a New Romantic? Well most of the songs involved synthesizers and were about dancing, fashion, make up or all three. There were often references to sex, but this wasn't mandatory by any means. Mostly we remember jeans that you were sewn into by sympathetic nurses and white socks. There was an LP about White Sox we now recall - was it Adam and the Ants?
What's this opener like? Very Ultravox, quite up tempo and trippy - Steve's voice sounds a bit weak - can we say that? A minor hit we think - click the link.
2. "Blocks
on Blocks"
So we negotiated the tricky opening number with aplomb - and this number segues well, like a mix - weak adenoidal voice with treated vocoder vocal and whip cracks on an electric snare drum - Steve needs to blow his nose - the production is minimal, no, strike that, it is WEEDY. The verse drops in and out, the chorus is nonsensical, something about runways - well that could be a reference to fashion, 'toying with reality' science fiction. Not bad. You can hear the Bowie, Ultravox, Gary Numan influences.
3. "The
Dancer"
Another segue into this track - music concrete effects and then an ominous chord progression on the synthesizer. Somehow this has instrumental written all over it - and so it proves, drab but slightly lifted by the Roxy Music saxophones and 'stings' on the synths.
4. "Tar"
You think about quitting smoking, this time of year, you KNOW it's bad for you, those little white cancer sticks, and, if you needed any further encouragement so to do, then one listen to this dreadful track isn't it, because this is the aural equivalent of mud and is guaranteed to make you stuff forty lighted ones straight in there, we tell you. What were they thinking? The actually riff could be lifted straight off 'Vienna' by Ultravox - 'All Stood Still' to be precise. It's all 'addiction, addiction, nerves, nerves, tension, tension' - but the turd on the waterpipe is the truly dire lyric 'Remember, health warning, it's printed, on the packet.' Great. We remember dancing to this and smoking reams back in the eighties, clearly the message was lost somewhere along the way?
A bona-fide classic that needs no further introduction from us - this is why you bought the album back then, it really is. It starts with a pounding synth beat, low key, and then a gorgeous French voice intones something sotto-voce, difficult to follow - we know some French, the words 'sun' 'passion' 'all the rain of being English' well possibly, the song soars and then descends with glissandi and the synthesizers perfectly compliment the sentiments of - well - isolation? So good it is one of the true classics from that whole scene. Steve Strange, we salute you. That is what it was like to be a New Romantic.
Side Two
6. "Malpaso
Man"
That was most probably the high point of the record, so with reluctance we turn over to subject our ears to another aural beating. You notice the drums in this one, beating away, if we were eggs we'd be scrambled by now. Steve abandons singing in favour of a sort or proto-rap stylee. The synthesizers and drums try, gamely, to imbue this with a sense of importance but it's a big thumbs down. A key change and slower tempo serve as a middle eight. What is Malpaso Man - anybody know?
7. "Mind of a Toy"
Ah, the second single, not quite so good as the first. Like The Teardrop Explodes - diminishing returns with 'Treason' being slightly poorer than 'Reward' and God knows after that. Eerie introduction, though, good use of musical box chimes - or an approximation - the lyrics will be adopted by EMOS everywhere! Except the poor dears haven't been invented by now. Nice double tracking on the vocals and the synthesizers descend pleasingly, very understated - quite taught and compact, this tune, worth a lesson - also reminiscent of a Siouxsie track or two.
Third track Side 2. We wager this will be another instrumental but will be pleased to be proven wrong. At least this LP isn't outstaying its welcome. To be fair it's been reasonably entertaining apart from the execrable TAR which has to be heard to be believed. Go on, we dare you. Oh our lives, what's this? It sounds like it's been composed by a five year old. Sort of vaguely Russian in a Steppes kind of way, you know, Cossacks dancing in some extremely poor segment of Bruce's Generation Game. Enough already? This IS filler and then some.
9. "Visa-age"
Given the title you might expect a return to the title track in true Sgt Pepper style, but no, instead the track starts off with an impression of a herd of farting elephants and then drivels on about traveling on trains and 'taking a chance for romance in far off lands, realise YOU could be THERE today!' No thanks. Very poor.
10. "The
Steps"
We have great hopes for this, our final track, and it begins with eerie whistling and steamboats on the river - has the visimagination run out after the last two tracks? Strange noises abound in this electronic soundscape - will this be another classic to complete the album? Well - it sounds like a slow version of the 'Mission Impossible' theme. What we NOW have is a pounding heartbeat drum whilst the synthesizer alternatively rises for a bit - then falls for a bit. Nothing is happening. Oh. That's it. How disappointing, Mother.
FINAL VERDICT:
As a classic from the New Romantic age, which we have fond memories of, ultimately this is a little disappointing. There are three reasonable tracks and one classic. It might be an idea to buy a Greatest Hits. Except that would also be a bit of a misnomer.
Oh - cutting.
Never mind. It was reasonable.
BUT….Have we
learnt ANYTHING tonight?
ANYTHING AT
ALL?
All the RAIN of BEING ENGLISH - good. Can We say We Invented that?
2013. That
rhymes with flirting and dirting, except there’s no such word. Please, please,
please can we have – some sunshine, some decent television and, above all else,
no more recession? No? Thought not.
In terms of
the endless recession and its triple dipping, it’s not a Dorito, you know, we
don’t get any pleasure from dunking it into some chilli salsa. Do you really,
really think that building a two mile dual carriageway just to the west of
Bodmin is going to provide two million jobs? Well, do you?
