U2 THE JOSHUA TREE

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U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

JUMPING JACK FLASH, IT’S A CHRISTMAS GAS GAS GAS

It’s December again, Christmas just around the corner and, who knows, by the time you get around to reading this, you could be chewing on your stuffed bird with satisfaction and spitting out the gristle afterwards; oo er missus, yes indeed.

‘Start Me Up’ a doodle from the Rolling Stones that got lucky? And seventies Radio 1 DJs – eh? It’s like the whole world was having a party and they were the only ones invited. Enough, no more, it’s not so sweet as once it was before. So hang fire. Well hang fire. Top of the Pops taking on a whole new dimension.

Well fancy that, in the time since we last wrote to you, The Rolling Stones have turned fifty and sold out the O2 in Greenwich whilst still charging £1000 pounds a ticket – will those of you in the cheap seats clap and the rest of you just rattle your jewellery? Wot – no cheap seats? We would’ve made the trip but we weren’t up for being slaves, no matter how many times we were told to fill up the supermarket shelves or do it, do it, do it, do it, yeah.

Talking of slaves, those poor teachers have our sympathy again, the malcontents. We for two support their well observed campaign of civil disobedience and downright revolution, sisters as they decide to bring down the whole Tory Government and shake the country to its very foundations – akin to the rioters last summer, by – wait for this, kids – not going to some meetings after school and refusing to mark homework. It’s not exactly tits and ass is it? The bitch keeps bitching, the snitch keeps snitching.

Can you see them? Can you? Sitting in their smoke filled staff rooms around a brazier, sipping mugs of Value Coffee, moaning about the kids, grumbling about marking, like theirs was the only show in town. Then going home in their black limousines for their thirteen weeks holidays a year. Listen, dears, you make your own luck in this world; and you got to love your neighbours; is it any wonder that you fuss and fight – you could’ve been contenders, instead you watch the ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’ when you should be ticking those books, all day, all day, all day and all night.

We’re worried about you if you live in Blackburn Lancashire, there could be considerably more than three thousand holes when they start fracking for gas. Fracking. Sounds a bit rude. A bit like…well frapping, which is a very rude word indeed. Tops our list anyway. But just suppose, just suppose you were waiting on a friend, not waiting on a lady, there WAS an earthquake and we ended up in heaven, well there’d be no use in crying – it would be too late.

We guess we’ve just been Drunken Vinyled.

 AND NOW… a word from our sponsors tonight:

ASDA SMART PRICE LAGER

The lager of choice for all economy party goers!

#TopTip – take a four pack of these babies to a house party, leave them in the kitchen, then point in disgust at them later pretending it wasn’t you whilst you quaff some altogether more expensive beer!

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U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

SETTING UP TIME

For those of you new to our aimless wanderings, Drunken Vinyls is the site where we relive those great VINYLS of yesteryear with you. We’re doing every record in history from A to Zed – or if you’re American, A to Zee – a massive 26 whole records!!

To join in the fun, all you need to do is nip down your nearest Asda, battle the throng of joyous masses fighting over the Value Alcohol, duff in any stragglers, justify yourself by yelling ‘The Deil Take The Hindmost!’ and you’ll be set up for an evening of hedonistic vinyl spinning!

Once set up, you can play along WITH US!! We drink one can of ‘Smart Price’ for every track as we review the record whilst marvelling at the incredible sound quality – and getting progressively more angry as the alcohol has no discernible effect whatsoever – but HEY – that’s Smart Price, for you; them’s the breaks.

There ARE rules – well of course there are rules, this is Britain, there are always rules in Britain.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS

1. Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
2. Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
3. Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
4. Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
5. Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live
6. Thou shalt get annoyed when you stupidly tune into TALKSPORT to listen in wonder to the endless fucking Wickes adverts and attempt to imitate the smug cockney that does them.

TWEET – O - FUN – O – RAMA!!

THIS WEEK’S VITAL TOP TWEETS

In our new regular feature for funsters we record the tweets that most affected us this week; the wittiest, most funny, world changing or just downright outrageous – read them here for FREE from the world’s most favourite social media platform TWITTER!

·        #nowplaying With myself, chiefly.

·        Thanks for the birthday msgs peeps!

·        Funny – I tweeted him same time as you!!” haha! #Twitteringmadness

·        Your love is my love my love is yours

·        That moment when: you’re in school and someone notices it’s snowing

·        Tonight’s telly, Boardwalk Empire, Fringe, American Horror. Nice.

·        Gangnam Style is Killing People

·        The holiday season is difficult for many. All we have in this life for sure is each other so reach out, care and be happy for what you have.

·        Finally Google Maps released to replace Apple Maps! Have you downloaded Google Maps?

·        For tracking packages, I recommend this app on the iPhone/iPad.

What a vital social platform Twitter really is – don’t miss Tweet-O-fun next week!!!

  

U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

U2 The Naked Truth

U2 are the most famous band ever to have left Ireland and have flown out of Dublin into the bigger world; a lot more famous than – say – other really famous bands like – erm – The Undertones or The Boomtown Rats. Oh yes, and Thin Lizzy, they were Irish too.

But:

Who were they?

Why did they call themselves U2?

Where did they spring from and where will they end?

Why is the lead singer called Bono (pronounced b-owe-n-owe)?

What was the secret of their appeal and success?

We would have liked to tell you the whole story but, quite frankly, we don’t like U2 and so we could not be bothered. Therefore, unlike other bands featured on this blog, we made up a completely invented and fictional account as told by an equally spurious and completely imaginary SuperFan called Mrs Edna D Fish. You’ll know it’s her because we use a different FONT to signify her illusory and fantastical presence. Oh and her stupidly florid use of language.

THE COMPLETELY TRUE HISTORY OF U2

Made Up By Mrs Edna D Fish

Why, hello there U2 fanatics!! If you want to know about U2 then COME and suck at my ancient teat of knowledge.

U2 arrived at the name U2 (hereafter referred to as U2 to avoid confusion) after experimenting and subsequently rejecting the names U1 and U3.

Why my little fricassees? Well, U1 made it seem as though anybody they were addressing had won something, and the enormous expense of giving them prizes was precluding a PROFIT. Imagine, if you will, a conversation between themselves and an A and R man like this:

“Why, young fellows, I was enormously impressed with your concert and would love to sign you up to Truncheon Records! What are you called?”

“U1.”

“Did I? That’s fantastic! What’s my prize?”

And that was only the beginning of some very entertaining squabbles that consequently ended up with the band ALMOST imploding and self destructing even prior to their first cuts, my little English turnips. Take this legendary row over their next attempted moniker, U3, my love puffs.

“Hey, The Edge, we’ll call ourselves U3, aye right.”

“Fuck off Bono there’s four of us.”

“Bastard.”

It was like that all the time at U2 towers, my lovely custard creams, take their album titles, now rightly famous and acclaimed icons of the pop world:

Famous BAND squabbles over U2 Album Titles

Resulting in FIST FIGHTS

Final Agreed Upon ALBUM Title	Bono’s Suggestion	The Edge’s Try	Swear Words Used in Ensuing Argument
BOY	TOY	LAD	‘Ponce’
OCTOBER	NOVEMBER	MUNTER	‘Shut up you cretin’
WAR	BAR	CRUMPLESTILTSKIN	‘What kind of stupid name is that, tosser?’
THE UNFORGETTABLE FIRE	THE UNFORGETTABLE TYRE	MY CREAMY HORN	‘Call me a tosser would, ye?’
THE JOSHUA TREE	THE JEREMY BICYCLE	LICK MY FAGGOTS	‘The bloody hurt, bastard, OW!’
RATTLE AND HUM	RATTLE AND HUMUS DIP	RATTLE AND DO ME UP THE BUM	‘Fuck, that was my eye!’
ACHTUNG, BABY!	DONNER KEBAB UND BLITZEN SAUCE!	SUCK MY PIPE, BABY!	‘You fucking bastard!’

So as you can see, it was not all fun and games in the very beginning. But it would be wrong of me to suggest that all U2 ever did was fight and kick each other in the nuts, my dumpling pumpkins. They were possessed of remarkable senses of humours as you can see from these jokes self-penned by Adam Clayton himself in the popular series of U2 Fun Sunday Books published by the Armada Green Dragon Imprint:

Liven up YOUR Christmas Party with:

Some GREAT jokes about U2

The MOST famous band EVER to come out or IRELAND!

1. Why did Bono fall of the stage? Because he stood to near to The Edge!
2. Why did Bono seem quite appetising to some dogs? Because his name sounds quite a bit like BONE.
3. When did Bono call home to ET (from that film from a few years back where some tosspot kids fly around on bicycles with naff, but convenient, baskets on the front called E.T. The Extra Terrestrial)? When ET said ‘ET bone home’. (And not phone home)
4. Why did Bono have a wife a bit like Yoko Ono out of John and Yoko? Because he could call her Bono Ono when he was feeling ‘a bit fruity’ and fancied a bit.
5. Why should you be wary of Bono if he was in a foreign place – say Russia or that Caribbean island out of ‘Live and Let Die’ with snakes and voodoo people on it? Because he might be James Bono 007 Licence to Kill.
6. What should you say to a committee of people who are debating a U2 related topic at post graduate level and you come to a knotty problem that might take the whole night to unpick about the relative merits of Magnus Opus ‘Rattle and Hum’? “Let’s pick the bonos out of this one.”

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U2

THE JOSHUA TREE

In it’s time, a truly awe inspiring and megatastic release, The Joshua Tree sold quite literally millions of records in 1987. But is it actually ANY GOOD?

Let’s find out, shall we as DeeVees present: The Joshua Tree as heard by DRUNKS. On vinyl. On drunken Christmas Eve. Crack those TUBES of ASDA SMART PRICE!

Side One

1.         "Where the Streets Have No Name"    

It starts off a bit crackly, hissy and splutters like a yule log coming out of the fire. But we guess that’s the state of the vinyl. A steady descending chord structure played on synthesiser and then the restrained arpeggios of the lead guitarist adding texture rather than riffs. Guitarist – sounds a bit like git-artist, doesn’t it? Throbbing bass. Oh yes, that’s throbbing like a good ‘un, throbbing like the red red robin. Bono always sounds a bit constipated but this is a good strong opener – a song about revelations. We seem to remember that dweeb synthpop artists Pet Shop Boys might have also covered this add added the chorus from Andy Williams’ Can’t Take my Eyes Off You’. An altogether better prospect BECAUSE it adds a much needed climax to the song which just – peters out. Not a bad opener, though.

2.         "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"            

We still haven’t found what we’re looking for – it’s always your keys, isn’t it? Or passport. Dreams of arriving naked in an airport with no passport JUST as the ferry is leaving.  Maybe that’s just us? This number is restrained and elegant – it lends itself to being sung by a gospel choir. Hymnal. Bono’s voice risings in the verse and the chorus is a simple couplet. It’s always welcome when an acoustic guitar adds shade to the music – and just so here, although this chugs along pleasantly, mid tempo. Something of a disappointment coming to this LP after the power pop of ‘Boy’ or ‘War’. Perhaps.

3.         "With or Without You"     

Still, it’s simply bound to get going now, we’re still waiting for a ‘New Year’s Day’ or an ‘In the Name of Love’ but no a very simple bass riff descends and the synthesiser counterpoints by rising gracefully upwards – Bono takes the middle with a horizontal melody. Lazy. Waking up in bed on a Sunday morning. ‘Through a storm we reach the shore’ but we’re still patient for an aural tempest. Oh this is good, sold bucket loads of 45s in the eighties – it is actually moving towards a crescendo – familiar and haunting.

4.         "Bullet the Blue Sky"       

We thank the LORD that Asda SmartPrice is having no effect whatsoever because the soporific music served up thus far would lull us gently to sleep, fellow Drunken Vinylers. What? Wait. Echoes, reverberations, sinister throbbing mid tempo bass – now we’re sitting up! It’s the howling wind and the stinging rain again. We can’t understand what this is about; answers to us at DeeVee Towers please. At least the form echoes the function – except if it IS a howling storm, why sky BLUE is?  How to describe this, plodding bass, textured guitar, horizontal melody, the drama is added by the pounding drums and slide guitar – not much else to say but it does its job as a mood piece. Good stuff.

5.                  "Running to Stand Still"        

This is sweet, a gentle ballad to begin but you sense it will BUILD into something else; imagery of the surreal: cry without weeping, scream without raising your voice. Bit angsty, though – was Bono upset one sports day at school? Did he not please his parents? Is that why his running amounted to the square root of bugger all? Nope – it didn’t actually build to something after all, just some harmonica.

Side Two

Have we been a little unkind to this iconoclastic record? We didn't mean to, it's just we expected something...a little more exciting, though. We'll drift. You hate it when we drift. Oh well here goes Side 2.

         

6.         "Red Hill Mining Town"   

This does make us laugh like a train, this one – but we can’t expect you to see the irony. Well, you see we live next to a mining town called RedRuth Mining Town – a bit like Red Hill, No? Oh well we can’t expect you to see the funny side, you most probably live in Cirencester or somewhere which is not a bit LIKE Red Hill. The bass on this one chugs along like the middle function section of ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd. Hmm. Next Please.

7.         "In God's Country"           

Cornwall is God’s Country, everyone knows that. Hang on this is a bit more up tempo – a melody as well, not bad this one – to be fair we approve; this is more like U2 and The Edge’s guitar is throbbing away as it should do – much better. Best track of the album; Bono doesn’t sound too strained and is actually uplifting ‘She is liberty and she comes to rescue me’ a fine couplet, that, we’re almost ecstatic. Instrumental break actually rather effective – but too short – Bono turns up again. It’s a long way from ‘Boy’ or ‘October’ and I doubt they’ll ever find their way back

8.         "Trip Through Your Wires" 

A swing beat with a four square rhythm, you could march to this or wave your lighters in the air perhaps? Not much else to record, it plods along harmlessly and pleasantly with some nice Dylan harmonica. What’s all this with angels, though? Appropriate on Christmas Eve we suppose. Are we missing a trick? Why is this LP considered to be such an all out classic? Maybe we’ve been spoiled with more adventurous music latterly. One of us thinks he can detect some finger picking banjo. Woo-hoo.

9.         "One Tree Hill"       

Ah the pan pies. Now you’re talking. There was a sub genre of ambient music in the early nineties that involved pan pipes and native ethnic singers. It was fucking terrible. Kicked off by that ‘Sadeness Part 2’ by Enigma. Part 2? We would have hated to hear Part 1. Oh dear, this one seems to have drifted past without making any impression at all; bugger well have to start it again. Rivers, storms, sea, angels – what a load of cobblers. NO. Come on, we can pull this together, towards the end, the Bono-meister is shrieking as though he’s speaking in tongues. Or Tongue. He could be in the township of Tongue, North West Scotland. In fact Bono has often affected a desire to visit the township of Tongue or as he has often put it himself. The Tongueship.

10.       "Exit"            

This is an ethereal number, hardly there at all, bloody howling wind again, hail in the night – does Bono WANT a career as a weather presenter for Christ’s sake? Wait just a cotton picking moment – it builds into something, almost heavy in places. Farts around a bit. Then goes again. Sorry, a bit forgettable, wants desperately to be epic but ends up a bit ‘Hey Hey Helen’ off Abba, the 1975 set.

11.       "Mothers of the Disappeared" 

 

Grisly and gruesome throbbing guitars, the synth adding some melody, this uses that now very familiar trick that this LP has of building towards something from a whisper to something corporeal. After the last song something of a pleasure to hear a melody that reaches and attempts an emotional connection – all the instruments build towards a crescendo, playing together like the last act of Tubular Bells ‘And INTRODUCING – TUBULAR BELLS!'

VERDICT: Well it's a classic and who are we to disagree - we can't help feeling that there were some enjoyable segmets, but as a whole it is a bit to repetitive and certainly obsessed with the weather - well apt we suppose as we look out of our window. What do you think?

BUT….Have we learnt ANYTHING tonight?

ANYTHING AT ALL?

Yes we have. It’s Christmas and stupidly we put on TalkSport today because Radio 5 were doing a dopey phone in about ‘Is it right to buy stuff online on Christmas Day?’ as a ‘Your Call’ phone in. This wasn’t just scraping the barrel it was tackling the barnacles underneath the bloody thing. Never mind. An off day. So we switched to TalkSport – only to listen – in disgust to the PROMISE of some exciting Alex Ferguson football banter about how someone was nearly killed by a ball in the face or something – but what did we get? I’ll tell you what. Bloody WICKES, that’s what.

No matter how poor Radio 5 is, TalkSport can always do worse. It’s got their name on it.