THE ROLLING STONES: SOME GIRLS

R

IS FOR:

THE ROLLING STONES

SOME GIRLS

Nessum Dorma, Nessum Dorma….None shall sleep.

We here at Drunken Vinyls are determined as never before to sweep away all before us with our tatty collection of dog eared circular ephemera as we reach the long afternoon of our quest to prove that Vinyl Lives! and the crepuscular shadows lengthen over our rough hewn plastic musical landscape as we prophesise the end of everything.

What on earth are we talking about? We don’t know, and if we did we wouldn’t be able to tell anybody because we don’t own a mobile phone. How will we manage if we break down on the M42? We know. Smug doesn’t even come close describe the way your faces would light up in malevolent delight if that ever happened. It can’t. It won’t. We don’t live anywhere near the Birmingham Outer Orbital.

What is Drunken Vinyls? If you don’t know by now, you never will but our task is to catalogue ALL KNOWN VINYLS KNOWN TO MAN which could be tautological, we don’t care – you’re welcome here, most welcome. We take our cues from Sam Tyler, time traveller, who woke up in 1973 to discover himself lost in a pre digital age and invented ‘Chicken in a Basket’ but…

Spoiler Alert!

…turned out to be dead. We didn’t see that coming, did you? We wonder if they clocked it over at ‘The Sixth Sense’?

 BUT NOW!

YOUR FAVOURITE MOMENT AND OURS

AS WE REVEAL

OUR SPONSORS TONIGHT!!

Tesco Value Lager: Proud to support Drunken Vinyls tonight.

TESCO’s VALUE LAGER!

“Get ripped the easy way with a Six Pack of Value!

Fill your nappy afterwards!

29 Cans of THIS and you’ll be taking the cans to the recycling and almost be sporting a headache!!!

Could possible contain traces of alcohol, please use responsibly.

R

ROLLING STONES

SOME GIRLS

SETTING UP TIME

In ‘A View to a Kill’ Roger Moore’s craggy James Bond – looking a little creaky, old, grey and wearing a dressing gown, probably, turns to his secret agent bird, after a particularly traumatic incident – we don’t know, some other spies probably took some pot shots at them or something – and, in order to get her into bed, offers to make her an omelette. Pardon? We don’t recall Ian Fleming’s suave and sardonic super spy, with his thick black colon of hair, his scar and his good looking youngish Hoagy Carmichael face, licensed to kill, no less, ever cracking and whipping up a few eggs into a nutritious and healthy meal, not once. Isn’t this taking reimagining a little too far? And in any case, it’s quite clearly a bloody quiche! What kind of chat up line is this? ‘You look good tonight, darling, hop into bed and have some pre-porking quiche, why don’t you? There’ll be sausage to follow.’ He then, if memory serves us well, dives into a fur-lined submarine disguised as an iceberg, the bloody show off. And what kind of spy can’t tell the difference between a quiche and an omelette, eh? He’d be a little unpopular if he ever owned a Chinese take away – and why wouldn’t he - and crumbled one of those into a prawn foo-yong we can tell you.

Furthermore, in Tenpole Tudor’s early eighties hit ‘The Swords of a Thousand Men’, Tenpole’s lyrics somewhat boastfully claim that they are ‘the swords of a thousand men’ the implication being that, if we could be bothered to count them, they would number a thousand strong. Well, it was a quiet week here at DeeVees so we did just that and there are actually twelve men.

Absolute bollocks then, Tenpole. Therefore they should’ve been more honest and named this effort ‘The Swords of Twelve Men’. Moreover we noticed a plastic hog’s head on their banqueting table, the meagre feast could be described as paltry at best, they all had eyeliner, rouge and lipstick on which lent this attempt at rabble rousing a particularly effeminate air and, most damningly of all, during the climatic fight scene the twelve men are waving around plastic swords with all the enthusiasm and energy of John Inman waving Goodbye to Larry Grayson as his train pulls out of Wantage Central Railway Station. Pathetic. They didn’t even whip up anything approaching an omelette with their sausages.

 

This week: scientists have a new theory as to why the world was hotter back in the time of the dinosaurs. It transpires the flatulent emissions of Sauropods – or dinofarts as we would more properly call them – contained enough methane to create a greenhouse effect.

Nowadays we too have global warming. Many ideas as to why this is have been proposed by our leaders, thinkers and environmentalists – industrialisation, sunspot activity, solar flares, the thinning of the ozone layer: – absolute cobblers. We have our own dinosaurs today who emit enough wind – or mouthfarts as scientists dub them – to enshroud the Gas Giants of the outer planetary system several times over AND leave enough flatulent ice crystals to put several rings around Saturn. We refer of course to the crap that spews from the mouths of our leaders as we languish in poverty, pay cuts, rioting yoof and are forced to listen to crap hip hip records that masquerade as a social conscience. All because the bastards BANNED ‘Top of the Pops’.

Angry are we this week, we feel – cheated. It turns out that our leaders, according to some bint called Nadine Dorries, David Cameron and George Osborne are ‘two arrogant posh boys who don't know the price of milk and that is their real crime.’ For this they will be ‘out of a job by Christmas’. Well, we say GOOD!

We believed them when they said that the recession and riots were our fault which is why we tried, on this very blog, to turn the clock back to a happier time! And because we don’t want to lose our jobs by Christmas, one of us nipped down to spar and bought a pint of milk, Nadine, if that IS your real name, which we severely doubt, because neither of us is posh enough to know anybody called Nadine. We do remember our hero, the Right Royal Noel, Edmonds had a dinosaur which he would proudly show on hit television show ‘Multi Coloured Swap Shop’ which he called ‘Posh Paws’. How prescient he was, a forerunner, it now transpires, for those who now take pleasure from keeping us poor whilst they all coin it in, getting immense pleasure from their sack cloths and self flagellating activities.

They keep going on about the ‘wartime spirit’, ‘tighten our belts’, ‘what made Britain great’ and ‘we’re all in this together’ Well, if we ARE all in this together and this IS a democracy, in that case, IN THAT CASE, why have the BASTARDS decided that Duran Duran should represent US, England, this sceptered isle, this island nation, this land of hope – at least hope, we have that, if not the glory any more… by playing the Olympics Opening Concert? We’ll tell you why – because that is most probably their most favourite band, that’s why.

Duran Duran. We ask you – is THAT the BEST we can DO??

Duran Duran: A name synonymous with…er…well…SHITE, quite frankly, named for some mad scientist who tortured some naked tart by playing a sexual synthesiser whilst she writhed in agonised ecstasy in SCI FI SCHLOCK crap-o-movie ‘Barbarella’ – promising to orgasm her to death – the fiend, the absolute fiend! Should that not have been ‘organasm’ her to death, anyway? Ahahaha. We thank you. Give us your hands.

Duran Duran? People! Get Wise! Do we really need to see FatBoy LeBon bouncing around the stage in a headband, whining and whingeing pretentious pseudo artistic science fiction nonsense about being answered with question marks or watching nightfall in the rain whilst licking his lips and  rubbing ice cubes over his nipples? We’ll be the laughing stock of the entire world! At least Brotherhood of Man actually won The Eurovision Song Contest’.

We NOW ask YOU:

TO SCREW UP YOUR EYES

AND IMAGINE THIS…IN FRONT OF THAT GLORIOUS OLYMPIC FLAME:

EXAMPLES OF LYRICS THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO MAKE ENGLAND CRINGE AND BLUSH WITH SHAME AND HORROR:

CRANK IT UP, FATBOY!

BIG THING: lick it up, suck it up, stick it outside.	Too many Bjs Doner Kebabs in evidence here – we find the cats have usually dragged the remains all over our patio in the morning.
PLANET EARTH: Only came outside to watch the nightfall in the rain	What’s so good about that? Haven’t they been to Huish Park on a wet and windy Saturday afternoon? We have. It’s no great shakes.
THE REFLEX: The Reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the park	Treasure in the park? You’d be arrested for that nowadays if you didn’t watch your step. Damn dodgy if you ask us.
RIO: Cherry ice cream I suppose is very nice	No suppose about it, cherry ice cream IS very nice. Why the ambiguity? Desperate effort to sound cool. COOL. Geddit? Oh well, please yourselves.
SAVE A PRAYER: Pretty looking toad I try to hold the rising floods that fill my skin	No doubt a topical reference to global warming, the need to evolve into an amphibian, dinosaur farts and floods. Floods. There’s a drought on or haven’t they heard?

Instead of publically embarrassing a nation to the world, they should be gainfully employed by writing the theme song for a crap, egg filled, James Bond movie where he mistakes omelettes for quiches or whips up a damn tasty Salad Nicoise. Oh wait. They did.

OH: It’s a bad bad time to be English.

 R

ROLLING STONES

SOME GIRLS

WHAT’S THE STORY?

The Rolling Stones. Hedonistic and decadent Rock n Rollers from the England UK. Renowned for their excessive lifestyle and their ability to rock out hard, they were the Aerosmith of their day although not quite so popular.

The Rolling Stones sprang out of the London suburbs of Richmond with a mission. A mission to rock! Amongst their number was one Brian Jones, a blonde and boastful man who claimed he could play all known instruments known to man (tautologuical); Bandolier and general snarlster Keith Richards and his banjolele; pretty boy Bill Wyman, one glance from his baby blues and the ladies were a swooning as he did the crooning – a master of languages which he put to good use in his smash hit ‘Si Si, Je Suis Un Rock Star’ and owner of several residencies in Vence, France where he was wont to party like it was 1999 – although, in fact, we’re back in the sixties at present and Prince wasn’t to write that hit yet; an incredibly mouldy old drummer who no one can remember but went on to play Grandad in ‘Only Fools and Horses’ as though he had been  born to the role; and Mighty Mick Jagger, superspy, owner of many Chad Valley ‘Give A Slide Show In Your Own Home’ projector sets and quite a few Binatone portable cassette players which he would tote around in his duffel bag – a man for whom the term ‘Lips Synch’ would be coined due to his incredibly pouty visage.

But, despite their impressive line up, The Rolling Stones soon fell on hard times. After initial hit record ‘Champion the Wonder Horse’ they realised that none of them knew how to write rock n roll songs. Their first chart entry and appearance on ‘Top of the Pops’, had, they reasoned, been a lucky strike; jumping up and down playing maracas and bashing biscuit tins in time to the TV theme had worked once, but a record buying public were hungry for more innovative approaches to the music scene. They were forced to use subterfuge.

Rob Halford, celebrated for his incredible voice which can span an incredible four octaves – as well as his top forty hits such as ‘United’ and ‘Breaking The Law’ was the legendary singer with rock outfit ‘Judas Priest’ remembers their impact well and takes up the story: ‘Yeah, I remember them.’ He admitted to us. ‘They was forever hanging around to see if they could nick our bass player cos there’s had sodded off with a schoolgirl of somefink, or rip off one of our songs, they was like a bad smell in the dressing room. And I’ve smelt a few, I can tell you. I remember them coming into our sessions to show us a crap slide show on this plastic projector fing in return for us performing our tunes. It was only afterwards I noticed the Binatone portable cassette recorder.’ This was an error of judgement Halford was to regret: ‘Smashing the Rules’ by The Rolling Stones was soon climbing high in the charts.

The Stones were certainly innovative in their approach to hit making. Residents of Richmond, in 1968, were surprised and delighted to wake up one morning and find the town literally festooned with hand drawn posters declaring excitedly that the first ever British Summer Music Festival ‘No Sleep Till Putney!’ was to take place that very evening, bringing a much needed boost to the local economy. Eminent politicians were booked to speak and their would be personal appearances and poetry readings from footballing stars of the time such as Steve Foster and Gary Birtles. Even more impressive, practically every famous hard rocking band in the charts, at that time cresting on the peak of heavy metal’s burgeoning popularity, were booked to appear - and all in the garage of number 31b Slapton Close. But it was all to end in disaster and controversy.

Mrs Edna Spewtey, 78, local resident of the time, recalls the terror and horror of ‘No Sleep Till Putney’ in this vivid account: ‘Twere a hot zummer’s afternoon in Richmond but not in the garage of 31B – that place were to become hotter than hell, dearie, hotter than hell. The terror started when Biff Byford, of hard rock outfit Saxon, turned up with his band. We was all looking forward to hearing them play, legends were they, legends. But they was told by Grandad from ‘Only Fools and Horses’ to leave their kit outside. There were to be a slide show called ‘Champion the Wonder Horse’s Great Adventure’ first, given by Mick himself. The Stones were all there – Mick with his maracas, Brian with his ‘Rolf Harris’ Stylophone and Grandad, who had a large Peak Freans biscuit tin which he were bashing with a huge stick like some fanatic from the denizens of hell itself, manically rolling his eyes like some demented demon or that bloke that looks like Hitler out of Sparks . A large crowd had gathered by now, including a giant Russian Spy in a large trench coat carrying what looked like a portable Binatone cassette recorder – although, my lovelies, I couldn’t swear to that. After the slide show, which was piss poor and difficult to make out, Saxon was ordered to play; they were soon belting out yet to be released single ‘Wheels of Steel’ and I noticed, by this time, the Russian Spy were very close indeed and seemed to be taping the performance.’

Biff was soon to regret his impulse to perform in the garage that day. ‘Tyres of Iron’ from the album ‘Steel Wheels’ by The Rolling Stones soon reached an impressive 27 in the hit parade.

Intrigued, we wanted to interview The Rolling Stones, but after wandering around Richmond for a bit shouting, we couldn’t find them so we gave up. It later transpired that they had never heard of us and were, in any case, ensconced in a French Villa. After writing this we were later informed that much of it is completely made up, historically inaccurate up and a complete lie – and, tired of being considered by the music literati as somehow not quite as good as they used to be, The Stones gathered their resources and put out tonight’s classic LP ‘Some Girls’.

THE NOT QUITE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS

1. Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
2. Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
3. Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
4. Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
5. Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live

R

ROLLING STONES

SOME GIRLS

SIDE ONE

So begins the Stones’ last truly great meisterwork. We’re ready for the Wochenender, we’re telling you.

Miss You

I’ve been hauling ass alone. I been sleeping on my own. What’s this? The Rolling Stones do disco. Double Take. Falsetto. Have they been listening to the Brothers Gibb? We don’t care what they say, we like the way Bill Wyman slaps that bass like some proto Mark King, out of Level 42. A storming opener that releases its tension on the descending orgasmic middle eight. Jagger does rap – walking central park, singing after dark, people think I’m crazy – oh, sotto voce. You feel it, man. Great saxophone break. Of course they tried to bottle the genie with ‘Dance Part 1’ on Emotional Rescue – but this is the one. Check out ‘Waiting on a Friend’ off ‘Tattoo You’ too – for more great saxophone.

When the Whip Comes Down

Well, we don’t know much about this one. It starts off with a punk sort of riff – like the old punks were outdoing the young punks. It’s frenetic – we would IMAGINE – but it takes us into territory that we might feel uncomfortable with. Them politicos LOVE a bit of Mr Whippy – and we’re not talking ice cream here, no SIR! Anyway – by way of description – it’s fast, guitar driven and the drummer sounds like he’s bashing on a biscuit tin. Not bad.

Imagination

Yes – this cool is – funk we shall, We LOVE that guitar what Keith is pounding out. This is a cover of the old Temptations number but, guess what? It’s great – why do we disparage? This is fantastic. Get your Ya Yas out, man! And, of course, it has that extra depth and distance between the instruments that you only get on vinyl – the instruments sound like they’re in the room with you. Youth! You’ve been cheated. Like Johnny Rotten – he say to you – do you ever feel you’ve been cheated?

Some Girls

This track is just plain DIRTY – we cannot reproduce the lyrics for fear we would be struck off. Great. It starts with the chord from ‘Daddy, you’re a FOOL to cry’ post modern irony, we feel sure – well intertextuality at the very least. Mid Tempo, snarling Jagger lyric, what kind of ‘lethal dose’ do he mean, Mama? Call and response – in that the guitar responds to the lyric – OH – this is great – this IS the seventies – we want more, we want more, Yoou begin to realise why these bands were and are legendary – it ain’t no accident you know. Some girls give me children I don’t need or even want! Damn we reproduced the lyrics. Bad Bad Boys!!

Lies

Nice – a fast tempo thrash – extremely brief, with a couple of chord changes. now look – that’s Side One and there’s at least four classics on it – what are you moaning about? Go and get this record from Del, down the market, and play it on your old Dansette, you poor misguided fool. We haven’t even GOT to Respectable yet. All together now: And now you’re a pillar of SOCIETY, you don’t worry about the things you USED to be! Prescient, children, prescient. Oh Cameron. Drink up thy MILK!

SIDE TWO

Far Away Eyes

This whole LP is great, it even has a comedy number, a country and western, bible bashing satire - he jumps red lights in honour of the preacher - AND they don't even SPELL danger. Actually, we feel this could be the HEART of the whole record in its way – the lyrics speak of betrayal by governments and the establishment but salvation in the eyes of the girl – and you know what kind of eyes she’s got. It’s pastiche and parody, but it’s good and it casts a look at who we are and where we’re at. You always have the Lord by your side? The girl, a little bleary, the worst for wear and tear, but she’s still there.; there’s soul in them lyrics.

Respectable

Good rock n rolling – good juxtaposition; this is meaningless – but it’s pretty fine – we take heroin with the president, we don’t worry about the things we used to be – generic Stones, but good, nevertheless. You wouldn’t want to live without it in your head as you stroll down the street – good sneer and good bass. Nice guitar rising mixed low – you listen, you hear.

Before They Make Me Run

We’re pleased this one is on the LP – it’s totally appropriate, given the Olympics. We’re told that people run in the Olympics a lot. Now. Is it just us, or are athletes very very boring? Don’t get us wrong, we like them very much indeed, but they don’t lend themselves to very good radio, do they? They come on SPORTSWEEK with Gary Richardson: – “so tell me, how did you become a runner? Well, Gary, I started to run and then did some running.  I run quite a bit with some other runners, who run, and we train. TRAIN? How’s that? Well, training mainly involves running. We get up. Run. Run some more and try to be the best runners we can. Doing running.”

Which has nothing to do with this song. Sorry.

They are a BIT dull. Even if they all DO take drugs. Allegedly. Aren’t they?

Maybe if they had the runs and had to go to the toilet they might be amusing. But we doubt it.

Beast of Burden

This record is very laid back, a classic of it's time. It's tempo is reasonably slow, major to minor, recurring - a paean to love; not to be a burden on those you love, you see – Jagger sings: Am I hard enough, am I tall enough, am I rich enough. We think we prefer this LP to ‘Black and Blue’ there are some backwards looks to ‘Fool to Cry’ here, but this is the superior song, we feel. Great!

Shattered

 

One of us admits to this being their favourite track of the whole shebang – it’s great – sex surviving on the street – but LOOK at me!! I’m shattered – in tatters – terrific;  do your ears a treat – we say – listen! Great ending too,

You forget, y’know – Rolling Stones. Very good. It was brilliant to hear that again. Shall we do it next month??

What Have We Learnt Tonight?

The Rolling Stones may have ‘sprung out of the suburbs of London with a mission – a mission to rock’ but – frankly they soon got a bit pissed off with their record companies, bootleggers, and the home taping public for finding new and exciting titles for their compilation LPs. So annoyed, in fact, that they threatened to make it their ‘mission’ not to ‘rock’ but to ‘duff in’ anybody who came up with any more clichéd and hackneyed titles based on their moniker. So BE WARNED! BE AWARE! If YOU want to avoid a bunch of fives from Granddad out of ‘Only Fools and Horses’, next time you’re taping a new Stones compilation to flog off the back of your barrel avoid titles like these:

1. ‘Gather No Moss’ as in a rolling stone gathers no moss. What’s THAT supposed to mean, numb nuts? They never get old? They don’t stand still? They display an innovative approach to music? COME ON people!
2. ‘Stoned’, ‘Get Stoned’ or any variation thereof. The Rolling Stones resent the implication that they have EVER taken any illegal substances of ANY kind, including milk.
3. ‘Stoney Broke’ The band feel bitter about any title that might suggest they have ever fallen on hard times and would like to point out they are in fact FLUSH.
4. ‘Lifting the Stone, ‘Looking under the Stone’ and so forth. They resent the likening of themselves to any scuttling anaemic insects found thereunder.
5. ‘Rolling Away The Stone’ Insulting allusions to being Christlike or religios in any way is quite frankly intolerable to them. Have you never HEARD ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ guys??
6. ‘Bould-Her Over’ Piss poor pun, which would not be out of place on any episode of television’s ‘Little and Large’ show
7. ‘Rock’, ‘Rock and a Hard Place’, ‘Hard as a Rock’ desperation now creeping in with evidence of barrel scraping. Feeble. Although they might use ONE of these for next year’s Greatest Hits LP. Actually.

OH and: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, puh-lease…

DON’T LET DURAN DURAN OPEN THE OLYMPICS!!