Q
QUEEN
A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
Evening all! Welcome to your very own nostalgic corner of the Internet, a place where we remember the good old days before everything was virtual and digitised. Yes, dear fellows, this is Drunken Vinyls where we regularly and cruelly exhume circles of black plastic and torture them on turntables with needles for the length of their running time; once more unto the breach and then we give in to what passes for progress with a sigh; with a shout; with a sad shrug of the shoulders. Oh Blackberries, up yours.
Our mission? To play and review every vinyl ever made starting at A and ending at Z – a massive 26, then, although was there ever a group that started with the letter X*? Still we digress; feeling nostalgic? Then try these:
LONG FORGOTTEN PASTIMES OF A BYGONE AGE
- Stroke your cricket bat with linseed oil to avoid warped willow for many a happy hour spent rubbing your wood. Avoid chafing!
- Apply some Dubbin to football boots – or anything that needs it, then peel off dry, encrusted mud from between the studs. Enjoy the result!
- Finger the insides of you blazer pockets for cinnamon balls wrapped in snotty stained tissues and suck those balls!
- Pull the fluff from inside your blazer pockets and rub and scrub threepenny coins to make then magically shine like new!
- Chew cheap and freely available liquorice root sticks, gag upon fibrous gunk with the remote hint of aniseed
- Kick a half inflated plastic football with Wembley spuriously painted on it, 39p from the market today!
- Lick and rub on a free crappy Lucky Bag Popeye tattoo on your arm to look tough and pretend to masticate tobacco.
- Nick pop bottles from behind the sweet shop and take them in for the threepence deposit.
- Buy ‘Lucky Bags’ from the sweet shop for threepence and open these to find you had been swindled by the same grinning shop keeper you just ripped off with his own pop bottles because all they contain is a plastic false moustache, Popeye tattoo and some old Christmas Cracker mottos.
- Get sent down the shops by your infuriated father for replacement Dubbin and Linseed Oil; with a smack round the lughole.
*Oh Yes: X Ray Spex, XTC and The XX. Bugger
BUT NOW!
THE MOMENT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
IT’S:
A word from the makers of DOG BITE!
Proud Sponsors of Drunken Vinyls tonight:
DOG BITE
The Fighting Beer with a REAL pedigree!
‘One can…and the pain, it is gone!’ (A German doctor, name withheld)
We would like to offer another full and frank apology to the extremely witty, talented and famous piano playing virtuoso himself: singer and boho-hobo rock God Gilbert O’Sullivan for inadvertently publishing last month’s wordsearch ‘Gilbert’s Funtime Poser’ which one again, due to an unfortunate - but totally accidental - alignment of letters from the alphabet, did not contain the titles of his greatest hits as promised but did include erroneous swear words including the unfortunate phrase ‘I like cock’.
This was, quite frankly, unforgiveable and we now do repent us of our fury that we did not check the placement of several of the letters. Had we bothered to test the wordsearch ourselves, we should have noticed and this would never have occurred. We admit our guilt fully and humbly beseech His Gilbert’s forgiveness.
Further, we apologise for the misprint that implied that Gilbert’s father, Pappy O’Sullivan, was the inventor of ‘Dubbin’ and used it several times to improve the look of his collection of vintage cricket bats. To make reparation and demonstrate contrition we have agreed to publish the first in what we sincerely hope will be a hugely successful run of Gilbert’s new self penned highly humorous and bed-wettingly funny weekly comic strip:
‘POPTASTIC!’
LARKS AND FUN with Gilbert and his Pop Pals!
It’s TIME for our NEW REGULAR FEATURE!
DRUNKEN VINYLS PRESENTS:
CASH CONVERTORS!
…cash strapped Britain special…cash strapped Britain special…cash strapped Britain special…
These days it’s backs to the walls in modern cash strapped Britain
Not only that, but each month we ask rich, loaded and minted celebrities such as Doctor Spock from television’s ‘Star Trek’, Keith Chegwin and Noel Edmonds from television’s ‘Swap Shop’ and Paul ‘Now that’s Magic!’ Daniels for their opinions on what’s IN and what to BIN!
Folds up into a handy cut out and keep guide ideally sized for wallets! Simply remove and consult every time you have occasion to pop into your attic or visit your local car boot sale! Never be poor again!
“I was so astonished and amazed by ‘Cash Convertors’’ that I immediately wrote a protest-rap and set up another Facebook tribute site to this essential new resource!” (The Hip Hop Artist formerly known as Reveal but who now chooses to call himself ‘It’s a Steal!’ and has immediately signed with ‘Bargain Bucket Records’)
This week our resident antiques expert, Timmy Mallet, from television’s ‘WACADAY’, takes a peek into Britain
‘You probably know me from great bonkers number one hits such as ‘I Like Tiny Bikinis’ and whacky television programme’s like WACADAY where I used to frolic around with Michaela Strachan and hit people with a large sponge mallet; what you probably DON’T know is that whilst I am short in stature, I’m never short of cash. My secret? Antiques!
For example have you been to the bathroom today? No? Then do so now! Look at your ceramic fixtures and fittings and you’ll most probably notice the name ‘ARMITAGE SHANKS’.
Yes, friends, ‘Armitage Shanks’. For years now a name synonomous with self abuse, but not any more! If you notice the label ‘Armitage Shanks’ on your basin, toilet, bath, bidet or urinal (if you own a public house), delay no more! There’s money in them their ceramic utilities! Don’t hesitate. Rip them up from their pedestals and wheel them along to your nearest Antiques or Curio shops – you’ll be QUIDS IN!!
But don’t take my word for it – here are some other famous celebrities who took my advice and turned their ‘Armitage Shanks’ into lovely readies!!!
AND NOW,
DRUNKEN VINYLS PRESENTS:
SETTING UP TIME!
Setting up the decks is always a fiddly affair – with our poor eyesight we have endless trouble with sleeving the knobs, filling the sockets and screwing the twiddly bits, especially in the fading British summer light – our ineptitude knows no bounds and we hate to leave the punters with the vague feeling of dissatisfaction. So whilst we fiddle as Rome
BALOTELLI: POPULARITY HITS ALL TIME LOW!
“SIMPLY NOT ‘BEAUTIFUL’ ENOUGH”
“WADS OF CASH WILL NOT CUT IT”
As the above headlines make clear, one incident dominates the news this week, or, we should say, one person. Mario Ballotelli, mercurial striker for Manchester City
However, despite all of these and numerous other amusing japes guaranteed to make him the most admired footballer ever, things have got tough for Mario and his popularity has inexplicably sunk to an all time low. We asked random members of the public why this was and what could be done about it. Some of the answers were surprising, even for us.
The first people we stumbled across were Eighties super group ‘Musical Youth’ who were performing their greatest hits near the tram stop outside ‘Wilkinson’s’ on Market Street in central Manchester with just a paper and comb. Needless to say during these cash strapped times, people were not ‘Giving Generously’. A highly emotional Dennis Seaton had this to say: ‘Dis generation, rule de nation, biddly biddly biddly bum, biddly, biddly, bum; sounds to really make you rub and scrub, dub a dub dub, biddly, bom. Where Mario? Is he handing out cash today?’ But Ballotelli was nowhere near Market Street Italy
So we turned to Samantha Brick who was close by being handed some champagne and flowers on a regular basis by indiscriminate tram riders and fare dodgers just outside ‘Primark’ to pose a simple question: ‘Did people hate Mario because he was simply ‘too beautiful’?’ She frowned thoughtfully before answering: ‘I’ve just been handed this bottle of ‘Moet and Chandon’ champagne, pair of gold plated Reebok Retros trainers, 42 inch Philips Eco flat screen television and Gucci Jewellery in the last minute!’ she exclaimed ‘All because I’m so beautiful! You probably think ‘What a Lovely Surprise!’ But it isn’t a surprise, at least not for me.’
We were just about to congratulate her on not being smug or a flirt when she was surprisingly arrested by the police for being in receipt of stolen property lost during the summer riots. Simultaneously, Musical Youth had their paper and comb confiscated and put into custody on the grounds that it was annoying innocent shoppers.
So – is it all over for Ballotelli? Can he keep going to Uncle Roberto and appealing for more wads of cash to hand out in order to boost his popularity? It seems not. Mancini has reportedly stated that ‘he’ll never play for Manchester City
All is not lost. In a desperate bid to save Balotelli’s popularity, and not (as some have claimed) to resurrect their flagging careers, the Prime Minister of Great Britain has called upon some of Britain’s top talent to cut a charity single called ‘Mario Aid’ in order to raise money enough to keep Mario in Britain and on the streets of Manchester. All cash raised will be parcelled into carefully portioned wads for the super striker to hand out indiscriminately. Further, celebrities such as Wee Jimmy Krankie, Lt Worf from television’s ‘Star Trek’, Little and Large and Keith Chegwin, in tribute to the most famous haircut in the land, have agreed to sport tribute Mohicans until Mancini changes his mind. Here’s a little taste of ‘Mario Aid – Feed the Striker’:
Cameron: It’s Saturday, there’s no need to be afraid…
Krankie: On Saturday, poor Mario won’t be paid…
Edmonds: For in the world of plenty, we all should give our wads…
Daniels: To the man with stripy hair and shoulder pads.
Chegwin: No there won’t be goals for Mario this afternoon…
Little: Because the referee will send him off very soon…
Large: No T Shirt to display…
Forsyth: No appearance fee to pay...
ALL: So this afternoon thank GOD it’s him instead of YOU!
Q
QUEEN
A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
WHAT’S THE STORY?
It is getting near to the time that we must play the record in question and, as befits historic moments like these we need to give you a little background on tonight’s popular beat combo, ‘Queen’.
But first let us squash a popularly held myth. Queen did not, in any way whatsoever, give birth to Prince. We’re saying that right now – it’s a definite non starter. Nor was King married to Queen. On the contrary, Queen detested King and totally ignored their musical pleas for a more intimate relationship as expressed on the minor hit ‘Won’t You Hold My Hand Now’. In many ways it would have been aesthetically pleasing – but it just didn’t happen.
Queen was actually born, sometime in the seventies, amidst Rock n Roll controversy – but then what else would you expect from these firebrands? It all started in the Black Country, a little known English town called Dudley which no one had heard of in those days. More recently, however, no one had heard of it still. Research has shown that the residents of Dudley spent most of their time working in the local ‘Armitage Shanks’ recycling factory.
Which, coincidentally, is where we find the young John Deacon, soon to be bassist with rock Gods, Queen. But not yet. Here he takes up the story:
Deacon: I had a pretty bostin job at ‘Armitage Shanks Recycling Centre’ on the urinals; my job was to use wire-wool to remove the splash-crust left by years of usage. I was congratulated for my fingerwork when it come to digging out the half used blocks of dry ice from down the U Pipe. It was steady work and a good wage but, for some reason, I was getting no luck with the ladies of Dudley . They complained that I smelt of wee-wee and wouldn’t hold my hand.
Perplexed by this, Deacon took up bass playing in a desperate bid to become wind swept and interesting; he formed his first rock n roll outfit ‘Deacon’s Blues’. But disaster was soon to follow:
Deacon: We’d only be playing this pub twice when I was slapped with a solicitor’s writ from Glasgow
Almost immediately the other members of the band quit, because, as tough Black Country employees at ‘Shanks’ they disliked the connotations of camp that came with the new moniker. They immediately reformed as ‘Real Gone Kid’ and went to next door’s pub and were never heard of again except as a five minute segment of ‘Arthur C Clarke’s Mysterious World’. It was the Bermuda Triangle all over again…
This left Deacon with something of a crisis. He had NO BAND! But, for the embryonic Queen, all was not lost. His eyes were immediately drawn to a trio of travelling jesters in the corner, called ‘Mercury’s Animal Magic!’ of the very pub he was in. Of course! The warm up act!
Deacon: It was an eye wateringly painful act. This bloke with long locks of curly hair was knelt in front of a sedan chair stuffing all sorts of animals up the trouser legs of another chap dressed in a cape with the logo ‘Ready Freddie!’ splashed all over it: eels, toads, king cobras, slugs and rats were stuffed up there willy-nilly to scrap it out amongst themselves whilst ‘Ready Freddie’ squirmed around in agony screeching strange, satanic words like ‘Mama Mia!’ and ‘Bismillah!’ and all the time the drummer grinned and sang the words to ‘We’re all Going to the Zoo Tomorrow’. I was appalled! Yet it was strangely – erotic!
With one bound, Deacon was over there with his bass and a classic rhythm section was born. Two years later they abandoned the animal stuffing interlude as a bad idea and concentrated on making music instead, cutting ‘Keep Yourself Alive’ as a result of Freddy’s brush with venomous reptiles on a nightly basis. Queens were born!
THE NOT QUITE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS
- Thou shalt play both sides of the record in their entirety
- Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
- Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
- Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
- Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live
Q
QUEEN
A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
Tonight’s Sponsors:
DOG BITE
The Fighting Beer with a REAL pedigree!
(Dog Bite possibly could contain alcohol and can cause Tetanus – please use responsibly)
Got your decks set up? Ready to rock and roll? Well we can promise you power, full adrenalin rush, high drama and shocks a plenty as we give you: QUEEN!!
SIDE ONE
Death on Two Legs
There’s a good vid on You Tube that uses this with Iago from Othello. Do you know Iago? Villainous. In fact Othello says that to him ‘Oh Villainous. Make me to see it. MAKE ME TO SEE IT!’ What Othello is asking Iago is…to make him believe that Desdemona has been unfaithful – he is, in fact, making a pact with the devil. Good play. Good writer Shakespeare – you get the feeling that Queen were ‘well brought up boys’ into books and stuff – and there’s ‘NOWT WRONG WITH THAT’. Do you know the play? Well here’s the rub: Iago – white on the outside but black in the middle and Othello, The Moor, Black but – at least initially – the purest heart. See what Shakespeare did there? Clever, eh?
We digress: good stomping album opener – nice. Trademark double trackings on the vocals – this makes a good bookend – we’ll get plenty more of this later when Bohemian Rhapsody turns up. Ah – ha! We particularly applaud the shock ending and segue. Craftsmanship. You can’t whack it.
Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon
A short interlude that sits inside arch quotation marks, a sort of throw back to 40s variety – they’d been working up to this on ‘Sheer Heart Attack’ you know, It pays off here because it sits between two heavy tracks – they’ve got the Queen sound by now – somehow it works here but not on ‘Day at the Races’ which is more laboured.
I’m in Love With My Car
Another segue, keep them coming boys – Roger Taylor’s vocals are a relief, they always are, we find, on a Queen record, he has a nice voice full of gravitas. Lots of allusions to masturbation, we think. Or maybe not. Anyway power chords a gogo – we think this would make a good B side to sea side.
You’re My Best Friend
Freddy’s back and we’re introduced to a splendid electric piano – now there was this myth that washed around back then that Queen did not and would never use synthesisers. Well – hogwash – that’s an electric piano if ever WE heard one. And it’s dominating the track, mixed right up front where, let’s face it, it sounds GRAND. Grand? Get it? No? Oh well, please yourselves. This song is a splendid paean to friendship, meticulously crafted and some nice vocal flourishes too.
39
For some reason this is our favourite. Great acoustic guitar – fantastic! Great Tom Toms! We could check who wrote this. Hang on. Ah, Brian May. Well – we’re not sure but you can trace a melancholic streak through seventies Queen albums if you wished and why wouldn’t you want to, anyway? For example ‘Save Me’ - The Game, ‘Long Away’ from ‘Day at the Races’ and so forth – they have a pathos that often saves the LPs in terms of pricking the pomposity of the whole – did we sound pompous there? Well yes – but necessary – because this would be abandoned in the 80s where, we feel, Queen were still reasonable but become a parody of themselves – UNTIL – Innuendo. Ben Elton? Fuck Off.
Sweet Lady
This one is dull and, as such, a bit, well - filler – sorry boys. Heavy rock at it’s most leaden. You could have put this on the B Side of a minor single instead – oh, we don’t know – something like ‘Body Language’.
More like it – it’s a thumbs off. Lots of witty close harmonies. We like the instrumental break – vocalised and treated, but what we really enjoy is the absolute sense of fun here. And the tune slips and slides, it catches you out – excellent finish to a pretty good Side 1. All good here at DeeVee towers! Time for a break.
SIDE TWO
The Prophet Song
“For my life, still ahead, pity me”. Yes – well we may like The Clash better, but listening to this record reminds us – how it reminds us – that in its time this was pretty damn funky. It’s a shame that every new generation comes along and, of course, destroys all that comes before it – it’s the secret desire to kill your father but then, to grow up to be admired by him. We KNOW this now, but nobody listens because any fule no – you have to discover it for yourself. Those who don’t will destroy us all anyway.
We think that ‘The Prophet Song’ treats on this theme – the a_capella section which comes in the middle of this – it sounds terrific on vinyl – this is a forerunner for – well you know. I wonder if Ben Elton saw this coming, the turd. He took a reasonably good band and destroyed the legacy forever by bastardising all that was good about then – now they are just some group on in the West End .
Love of My Life
Segue into the ballad; some rather lovely finger picking on the guitar before Freddie takes it away. Well, every album has to have one, we suppose, and this is reasonable, prefiguring next year’s ‘Somebody To Love’ (which is better and less ponderous) We think that ‘39’ is more melancholy, this is not too bad, but unfortunately we write from 2012 and we’ve heard it being butchered on ‘Live Killers’. Hah! Rather good, that!
Good Company
The third banjo led forties throwback, think Al Jolson or, better, ‘Cleaning Windows’ by that bloke who always liked cleaning windows – keep good company; we suppose it follows the conceit of being at the ‘opera’; probably one with Bruce Forsyth in it – it’s okay; now we’re building towards the finale.
Bohemian Rhapsody
Let’s start by saying OPERA! We suppose there isn’t much to add to the dissertations already written about this track which is as famous as any record ever made, really. It was rediscovered again by a whole new generation in the film ‘Wayne
Except Ben Elton – betrayed a generation, that TWAT.
God Save The Queen
And why not. This raises the hairs on the napes of our necks.
Yetr another good record! This happens sometimes - you get a really duff run and then hit some form. We think CHARLTON ATHLETIC could go up!
What Have We Learnt Tonight?
My goldfish brings all the boys to the yard, my fish is better than yours, my fish is better than yours: It is more easy for a beautiful woman to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a one eyed man in the realm of the blind to make many a slip. Or so we’ve heard. Mario Balotelli may well be heading back to Italy Britain
