DRUNKEN VINYLS
GOSH…
IT’S THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
‘And Incidentally, A Merry Christmas to All You At Home, Again!’
Tonight’s Sponsors: Lamb’s Navy Rum - for that smooth taste and a spirit of adventure mixed with just a hint of Caroline Monroe’s Delightful Curves and the hangover that sleep just WON’T shake! Oh, yes!
THE NOT QUITE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF DRUNKEN VINYLS
- Thou shalt play one side of the forty five in its entirety
- Thou shalt drink one can of Fosters or its alcohol equivalent per song
- Thou shalt record ramblings as they occur to thee for the duration of the running time
- Thou shalt edit out the swearing the next day
- Thou shalt not suffer a Blueberry user to live
Christmas time is here again, Christmas time is here again, Christmas time is here again… hurray, the rate of inflation has dropped slightly, mainly because the shops are full of tat to buy like West Ham United wellingtons, thin and crappy gift-wrap that tears upon contact and them mats you put round toilets gaily and tastefully decorated with holly leaves to disguise the splash back. Be not afeard for we bring you glad tidings of great joy, shoppers, at this most Holy time – your Mars selection box is reduced in price! But enough of us and let the party commence!
(You have to sing along to our theme tune at this point.)
Yes, folks, they’ve taken the night off and had a rest from hitting motorways with hammers, just to be here: - it’s your favourite Kraut Rockers and ours: Ralph and Florian!
Madness: One Step Beyond (1980)
A very good record to start the Christmas party with. We notice the plonking walking bass and the spoken intro is second to none. It’s an instrumental with a grintastic saxophone and you just can’t get the distinctive top and bottom on download – it has to be vinyl. Play this and your dance floor fills up with ugly blokes doing a strange sort of dancing where feet don’t touch the floor, almost bouncing into each other in a mock threatening style, but when it becomes almost aggressive, don’t fade across in panic, most of them will have heart attacks and be rushed to casualty. Wear your fez, though!
Madness Factoid: There were seven members in the band and with all that uncontrolled Madness, there was enough nuttiness for a whole jar of popular French toast spread, Nutella! Which is where their nickname ‘The Nutty Boys’ came from, of course.
The Beat: Best Friend / Stand Down Margaret (1981)
Want to push it on? Well the rhythm guitar and bass on this little number will keep them dancing. Unless you find yourself in a pub where they have an Irish band with a fiddler three and one of them tambourine things with a stick. They say that Irish bands have the craic, but personally we like it when they bash two large pebbles together. Loudly. Against each other’s heads. And Irish bands will always bring the bores out, real ale fanatics, river dance aficionados and just plain knobs. We know this.
The Beat Factoid: They were part of the two tone musical movement but ironically, this record pointed to the unhappy fact that nobody in the band actually had any friends at all let alone best ones. They tried to make it with Margaret, but she was having none of it. They split up after a desultory and depressing two year stint of being ‘Billy No Mates’.
Fratellis: Chelsea Dagger
Now – if you want to get a bit of man dancing going at your Christmas party, play this one. It starts with the drum and then the bass: it is – of course – The Kinks, as so much of British pop is – discerning lovers of music will always trace pop back to any one of the following: The Beatles, The Kinks or The Who – why? How the hell do we know? We’re drunk and at the party, man!
Fratellis Factoid: The band were sacked by Chelsea legend Jose Morinho for inciting a riot at Stamford Bride: when playing this instead of Harry J Allstars ‘The Liquidator’ unhappy fans complained that there was no point during ‘Dagger’ that they could mindlessly clap and shout ‘Chelsea’. The dagger in the title was also missing, presumed completely made up.
Happy Mondays: Kinky Afro
Needs no introduction from us – we’re still back in the sixties even though it’s the nineties – and then some. We believe in the power of vinyl to make you groove just like a baggy. Dance floor empty? Play this mother. It’s mine you might as well have it, after all.
Happy Mondays Factoid: The Mondays were anything but happy when Ray Davies of ‘The Kinks’ sued the band for two million pounds in 1992 for appropriating part of his band’s name into the title of this classic. They were happier when they were able to get their own back some years later by suing Takashi Okazaki creator of AFRO SAMURAI, a manga series of popular graphic novels for a similar reason.
Electronic: Disappointed
Electronic, our arses, this is the Pet Shop Boys – and why not? Well, they were pretty damn good before X Files, Strictly Come Twonking and Pop Idol, you know? We wonder – did this get to number one? It certainly segues very well from The Mondays, good synths – it’s time for Britain England
Electronic Factoid: Lead singer, Neil Tenant was never actually a tenant but has always owed his own property. Or ‘pad’ as he likes to call it. He told us: ‘I have always been pleased to own my own ‘pad’ ’ (not to be confused with a booklet consisting of blank sheets of A4 paper).
Slap that bass, Mark. In a change of pace and we dictate the pace of this party, boppers, we ask Mark King to slap his bass as only he knows how to slap it: – a song of mystical mistiness – after all, who knows what the Chinese actually do know? More than us, certainly, if their booming economy is anything to go by compared to bankrupt Britain
Level 42: Factoid: There are in fact only 41 levels in China – however in Basildon there are at least 43 or more – however the band were unhappy with the title ‘The Basildon Way’ and so shoehorned some Chinese into the song – hence references to ‘paper lanterns’ and ‘eyes wide open’.
Loose Ends: Hanging on a String
This is some funky shit with the smoothest and most sultry vocal you will ever here. And then some bloke comes in and spoils it all. No we jest – this is silky, sexy, fantastic grinding bass and percussion – the synthesiser used well for an eighties production and there is space, echo and reverberation – a brilliant production.
Loose Ends Factoid: Jane Eugene, the temptress of a vocalist, was unashamed by her magnificent voice and other attributes and when asked to pose in a swimming pool naked for a single cover, she dived straight in unabashed. The other two members of Loose Ends are less well known in this respect and as a consequence are of little interest. When the group disbanded these two, ironically, found themselves at a loose end.
Scritti Politti: Absolute
This is some blue eyed funky reggae grintastic great grooving going on here. Green’s vocals are on the falsetto side and the most noticeable aspect are the Tom Toms growling away underneath. Unfortunately the stylus is clogged up with crap, so we have to bring the party grinding to a halt – get deck 2 standing by. Are we sorry? Absolutely.
Scritti Politti Factoid:The band’s name is almost impossible to spell – and even if you learn it, you will still forget it. One of the early singles was called ‘Wood Beez’ which caused even more confusion – was the song a reference to bees that survived by hibernating in wood in the winter – or – something to do with wishful thinking? The group were handed a banning order by a confused public in 1987.
The Talking Heads: Once in a Lifetime
This classic dance track consists of David Byrne asking questions in a strangulated tone of voice above a backing of synthesised instrumentation – the most prominent being the bass which rises and falls precisely like clockwork. Towards the conclusion a crashing, grinding axe brings the track to its conclusion – many of us danced.
Talking Heads Factoid
The ‘Heads’ were once arrested by British Naval Intelligence: Rear Admiral Logjammer, who was manning the Americas desk at that time, came into the possession of some intelligence that informed that the band were making pornographic references to toilets and corrupting innocent naval ratings. The confusion arose because ‘heads’ are the name for toilets on ships. Logjammer was quietly retired and has allegedly held a grudge ever since as well as an aversion to toilets in general.
Drunken Vinyls Presents: Your Daily Orders.
Modern Life Exposed by Naval Intelligence.
As promulgated by the very shouty but honourable Rear Admiral Logjammer (R.N. Retired) in a very shouty voice!
The Smiths: Panic
We wonder to ourselves, too. The Smiths have an odd time signature in many of their tunes which make them difficult to dance to, also many feel Morrissey is synonymous with Misery. Not us, though, we love the lyrics: ‘Hang the Dj, Hang the Dj, Hang the DJ’. And then? It’s over.
The Smiths Factoid
Johnny Marr was once voted fourth best guitarist in the world and who are we to argue with that. His work on Kirsty MacColl’s records is peerless and adds an extra layer to ‘Kite’. Conversely, nobody ever remembers the other two – wonder what they’re doing now?
These are heavy times, don’t kiss and tell. It’s air guitar time, guys and gals. For the eighties, this is pretty gosh darn heavy as befits the lyrics because – these are heavy times!!
King Factoid: The band got their name from the lead singer Paul King and not, as some assume, from the town of Coventry Coventry
Limahl: Never Ending Story
Pure pop from Georgio Moroder – with the purest vocals and backing you will hear in the disco tonight – a true genius, we believe, a man who dominated the disco landscape of the late seventies and eighties. As a DJ we can go anywhere from here.
Limahl Factoid: He split from Kajagoogoo to carve out a solo career. Both he and the band sank without a trace shortly afterwards. It was a blessed relief.
Voyage: From East to West
So we choose to go disco, back to the seventies, a perfect segue. The artwork isn’t so good, but the music is eminently danceable as this largely instrumental track, played on real instruments, demonstrates – it’s the lead track from a concept dance LP – one of us owns it – where you, quite literally, dance from east to west. Ain’t that the truth, sister?
Voyage Factoid: There was once a Doctor Who story called ‘Voyage of the Damned’. It starred Kylie Minogue as a belligerent alien fighting waitress from Banoffepie and could have been inspired by this record. But neither of us could be bothered to check out whether that was true. So we didn’t.
Abba: Angel Eyes / Voulez Vous
Some prefer Dancing Queen, but they are most probably queens themselves, if pressed we will always choose this double A Side – kept off the top spot by the fact that Roxy Music also had a single called Angel Eyes out at the same time – and the British record buying public found it confusing, well of course they did, the poor sods. As it goes, this is a heart rending record about men being cruel to women and sung in close harmony by Agnetha and Frida – the stand out moment is the soaring chorus and it’s minor descent, a sort of baroque classicism too – no false overstressed melismas here, pure emotion and expert musicianship. It can only be a matter of time before some crap R and B singer discovers this one. As for Voulez Vous, that was totally ruined by those nitwits Erasure. Yes. We mean you, in your leather trousers, Jimmy Somerville.
Abba Factoid: Gentlemen prefer blondes, they say, but who would you choose to go for a date with from Abba? This was the problem that lesser known artist Paul Nicholas was faced with when he appeared on ‘Top of the Pops’ in 1976 singing his smash novelty number ‘Dancing with the Captain’ at the same time as Abba were appearing in a promotional video at number one accompanied by hoofers ‘Ruby Flipper’. ‘Diddy’ David Hamilton pointed at the screen and asked him there and then! Paul, confused, looked hard, blinked and said – ‘But Bjorn and Benny are BOTH blonde!’
A bonafide disco classic, with pulsating bass, tom toms and grintastic brass. Clearly inspired by the Star Wars obsession that summer. We was all feeling the force, my dears. You had to be there. One interesting and porntastic thing about the record was the sleeve design – the better the format – the more naked the girl. Not that we at DeeVees condone nakedness of beautiful ladies in any way at all, of course.
Real Thing Factoid: The tagline of popular fizzy drink ‘Coca Cola’ used to be ‘It’s the Real Thing’ which was way cool – especially if you’d got some from the fridge. Then it was banned because some really heavy people argued that it was full of preservatives and thus not real at all. They regret it now, though, because they died in obscure poverty while Coca Cola is still around to this day!
The Tymes: Ms Grace
A classic swing, with close harmony soul singing from a time when records were worth listening to. The bass, as ever, sets the tempo, and your feet can’t help but dance. The brass is mixed unusually, compressed into the background, almost a ghostly presence, but part of the whole. And the sublime way this record starts – well listen, all you people, you know what we mean.
The Tymes Factoid: The lyric ‘Ooo – oo – oo, Ms Grace; Sat-Nav for the human race’ predates the invention of sat-navs for cars by several decades which was extremely prescient of the band.
Ace: How Long
Any DJ worth his salt will have this Paul Carrack record stowed away. Great in its own right, but with its ominous baseline but disco harmony it is a perfect crossroad record – from here, you can go anywhere – for example you can play Squeeze next or the axe in the middle can lead you into rock. Perfidious but wonderful.
Ace Factoids: Paul Carrack was an understated genius, like Nick Lowe, he was everywhere. But his greatest claim to fame was inspiring Lemme from Motorhead into writing ‘Ace of Spades’. A wonderful but lesser known fact upon hearing this, Lemme said 'That's Ace, that is.'
Squeeze: Up The Junction
The sweeter end of punk, pub rock, but don’t let that stop you – the song tells a story: – of nappies, basements, unwanted children and putting a tenner away. A generation ago, nothing ever changes – but there’s poetry here too: the weather is ‘brass and bitter’ and we are taken from ‘bar, to street, to bookie’.
Squeeze Factoid: ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ was not, in fact, anything to do with Doris Day. Jools Holland said that he had once had a boyhood crush on Day but it had ended when he saw Sophia Loren in ‘Houseboat’ doing the ‘Bing Bang Bong’ song. For her part, Doris Day has nothing to say about any romantic connection with Jools. We rang her up and she confessed to never having heard of him. ‘I confess I have never heard of him’ were her precise words but she delivered them in an attractive southern belle drawl.
Buzzcocks: Ever Fallen in Love
Three minute perfect pop, all thrash guitars and a thriftily shuffled two or three chords. Pete Shelley’s vocals are high and almost effete. Terrific and it never outstays its welcome. The message is something we all can identify with.
Buzzcocks Factoid: The Buzzcocks were formed in Bolton . Other famous things from Bolton include bolts which is where the name of the town is derived from. Indeed, at one time Shelley and Devoto toyed with the idea of calling the band Boltscocks. But it sounded stupid.
The Jam: Going Underground
We’re right into new wave territory now, and it’s time to pogo up and down and spit on the floor. This is a very famous tune – Paul Weller’s first number one and one for the blokes to look tough to. Pounding drums, snarling guitar and an inventive bass from Foxton. Terrific. But only on vinyl.
The Jam: Factoid: Paul Weller was scared of underground trains and would beg his uncaring relatives not to make him ‘Go Underground’ but to no avail, his father insisted it would ‘put some spine in the boy’ and would encourage him to jump from the escalator then deliberately step aside in order that he should ‘never trust nobody, son’.
WHAT? NO Christmas songs at a Christmas party? We've been swindled!
No - In fact, you've been saved.
From SONGS like these:
Beastie Boys: (Fight For Your Right To) Party
In order to escape a niche, this is another good crossroads record – snarling heavy metal riffs, but nobody cares because they’re too busy trashing your front room. Actually some of the lyrics are quite amusing ‘Your mum just threw away your best porno mags’.
Beastie Boys Factoid: In the late eighties, the Beastie Boys (stupid name) were touted as the new Sex Pistols for their defiant attitude to authority and inspired a mini press campaign to get them banned from our great British shores. Watching the video to this song it’s easy to see why: baguettes are thrown, custard pies flung, soda siphons squirted into faces and telephones are vandalised. Yes right. We’ve seen more violence and mayhem in episodes of ‘Bodger and Badger’.
Deee-Lite: Groove is in the Heart
Nearly at the end of our walk through singles Christmas party – this is our last one tonight because, frankly, we’re drunk – we hope you’ve enjoyed it. This is a perfect dance track, a walking bass and strange synthesised sounds; samples from other sixties track and a swanee whistle. All guaranteed to evoke a Macarena swinging sixties sound. Lady Miss Kier wouldn’t be out of place in Austin Powers.
What have we learnt tonight?
I’ll tell you what we’ve learnt tonight, here at Drunken Vinyls, it is a damn sight easier reviewing one album than it is a whole host of singles. We hope you have a happy Christmas and that you get a new record player for the New Year. Very happy and drunken vinyls to you all. Last word to Big Pat.
